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melting but not down

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

the talk

I am in a strangely peaceful place. Last night I found the confidence, goodness knows where from, to be honest with mum. She had started on the 'I know you don't want me/I need to be out of here, what am I going to do' speech again and I found myself telling her that I didn't think she really wanted to be with me, that I felt she didn't think much of me, that I'd always felt like I was a big disappointment to her. I pointed out that she didn't like Mr Lily at all either so why would she want to live with him? (I stayed calm throughout, just stating the facts in a non-accusatory way.) She took umbrage, tried to deny she'd ever said anything mean about ML then fell back on the old 'its awful when there's no love'. And there was my opening. 'Do you love me?' I asked. There was a pregnant pause. Mum was clearly uncomfortable. 'Well, I did...' she said.

Strange what a relief it was to hear that. (I'm not even sure that she was telling the truth about once loving me, I'd certainly never felt it.) The revelation freed me from guilt and allowed me to be kind and deal patiently with each complaint and jibe as she struggled to regain the upper hand. I have promised to make an appointment for her to view the retirement flats near me.

After a while, she mellowed and the rest of the evening passed quite pleasantly. You would never have guessed a bomb had dropped in the living room. I'm going again tonight - shower and hair washing time. I hope I'm still feeling strong by then.

LATER....

It was a doddle!

6 comments:

Clippy Mat said...

stay strong.
stick to your guns.
:-)

cornbread hell said...

wow.
let's hope this is a new beginning.

wishing you and yours the best, lily.

rilera said...

Now you've your opening. You have to be steadfast Lily, and make sure that your Mom moves. Neither of you can go on like this anymore. She is no longer safe in her home and she wouldn't be safe/happy at yours. It's time. I'm praying that you will have courage through this.

Emily said...

Well, wow! Amazing what a little honesty can do, judiciously applied as you did. Keep it up.

I'm surprised at how many people seem to go thru what you are. My neighbor's mom was horrific; she was bedridden & did things like fouling the bed on purpose, all the while railing at the top of her lungs about how she was being "abused". My poor neighbor had sworn never to put her mother in a nursing home & grimly stuck to her guns; another neighbor began staying with her to help. Once a week her brother came so she could do the shopping. When her mother died at last, she was radiant with relief.

What in the world is wrong with these women?!? (And, of course, it's much easier to see when you're not the poor child of the maniac.)

Lily said...

thank you all!

Anna said...

Yay!!!!!!

Well done you. That must have been really hard, fingers crossed it'll make things better.