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melting but not down

Friday, 17 July 2009

beam me up Scotty

5 fecking times the phone went this morning before 9am. I knew it was mum. I had been intending to have the day off work to give my eye a rest but the insistent ringing and heavy breathing on the answerphone persuaded me that going blind amongst friends was preferable to going mad on my own. Before I could leave, the phone rang again. Mum, most dischuffed that I hadn't answered before. I fibbed and said I'd been in the shower. She's run out of bread and knows I won't be coming tonight. Yet oddly she didn't remember my being there last night when she could have asked me to get some bread from the shops. Its not as though she'll starve, there's plenty of food to last her today before we hit Morrisons tomorrow. I have said I will take her a loaf at lunchtime. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

I debated about removing the last sentence, now that I've calmed down (its 17:40) but I guess if no-one's offended, leaving it in is a truer reflection of how I felt this morning. I went to mum's at lunchtime. I took 2 loaves of bread - her usual white and her favourite brown, a packet of jaffa cakes for her sweet tooth, a gazette for something to occupy her and fish and chips to make sure she ate something. 'Thank you'? Don't be silly. More doom and gloom. Clippy you're right. The time is fast approaching when I'm going to have to broach the dreaded retirement home plan.


Clippy Mat said...

I'm still reading but I haven't commented for a while. I wasn't sure if you wanted comments or not.
Anyway, I can't really imagine what you are going through because before my dad went into a nursing home it was my sister and my brother and their families who were on the receiving end of much of what you describe, me being here in Canada. You really should help her to get into a nursing home. She has no quality of life now, neither do you. Unfortunately it will get worse.
It's awful to see you having to feel that way. In the photos she looks so frail and surely she cannot live on like this much longer?
What is holding you back? You could have some reasonable quality of life once she is settled, as will she. Let's face it she will object but she does lots of that now; at least you will have the security of not worrying about her 24/7.
My dad (who died in May) actually settled in quite well when he went into a nursing home, which was really hard to believe; he was the least likely candidate. He lived there for about 4 years until he died at 87. He was content there at the end and what a difference it meant to everyone who had been looking after him. They were so relieved too.
You cannot keep this up.

rilera said...

It's probably one of the hardest things that you will do in life, but I have to agree with Clippy Mat. You need to move your mom. Tell her she won't be safe at your home because of the stairs. I'm sure she is frightened of change but it really is the best solution for both of you. If you can, make sure that where ever she moves is close to you so she will not feel like she is being abandoned. I'm so sorry that you both have to endure this. Hugs to you Lily.