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melting but not down

Thursday, 31 July 2008

Those of a delicate disposition, look away now

Well that'll serve me right for being so optimistic yesterday. Last night I couldn't get to sleep for ages because the blasted itching was back, driving me demented. It was like having little devils in nettle boots scampering from one site to another, occasionally tormenting me with a minute or two of comfort before starting up all over again. Nothing I did seemed to ease it and I'm still uncomfortable today, I scratched some areas so much. I wish I knew what sets it off.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Prozac - week 2

I've noticed a few subtle changes in my daily life that I think may be the Prozac starting to work. Last night I hardly slept at all but was very calm about it and just let nature take its course, in the past insomnia used to drive me to distraction and really stress me out. Then there's the curious case of the disappearing fault. Not long before I started on the medication, I went into an alarming skid in wet weather at a roundabout, after which I was convinced there was something wrong with the car's steering and felt like I was losing control when turning corners, especially right turns, with the result that I slowed down to a crawl every time I changed direction. Now I can hardly feel a problem so was it all in my imagination, precipitated by the skid which mirrored the lack of control I felt in my own life? Things are improving at work too, I managed to keep at the same level of concentration all day yesterday and got through quite a lot. And here's a funny thing - mum has been really quite amiable for days now...is the new Prozac me rubbing off on her or is it just a coincidence? The last piece of good news is that I'm now 10 stones 13 - psychologically brilliant not to be 11 stones something any more! The only negative side effect of the medication is that having chilled out, I'm no longer neurotic about housework so the pots are still in the sink from yesterday and the water in the flower vases needs changing. Ah well, can't have everything.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

Prozac - week 1

Well, so far I don't feel much different. Once the euphoria about light at the end of the tunnel wore off, I realised there was not going to be a rapid improvement. Still marshmallow brained at work although I seem to have more or less vanquished the itching so getting better sleep, albeit still not for long enough. Ooh yes, and I've lost weight.... all one pound of it! However, am currently munching my way through a bag of licorice allsorts to compensate for a mind-bogglingly boring evening at mum's so will avoid the scales tomorrow. Actually I do think I am feeling less low although I haven't really been tested with any dramas since starting the Prozac. When I told my boss about the depression, I explained that I felt like a stodgy birthday cake... all sparkly hundreds and thousands on top (because I am quite a cheery person on the surface) but heavy as lead underneath. Think the mix has got slightly lighter....fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

Prozac day 1

Took the first tablet this morning. Obviously no discernable effect yet! Weight 11 stone 1 - hoping it will be the last time I weigh this much. Difficulty focussing on the computer at work because of the eye trouble and difficulty concentrating on/assimilating information. Short term memory also impaired. Not surprising since knackered after last night's broken sleep. Told lovely daughter about the depression at lunchtime and my boss this afternoon. Both very supportive.


Went to the doctor's again tonight and saw a different GP. I went intending to get something else for my eye infection (last lot of antibiotic drops didn't work) and insomnia (neither did the temazepam) but found myself unexpectedly welling up and unable to speak when the doctor asked me what I thought was causing my sleep problems. He listened sympathetically while I gave him a rough idea of the stresses I've been under lately and how it was affecting my daily life, then gave me a questionnaire to complete and concluded that I was mildly depressed. He has prescribed Prozac. I know it will take a while to have an effect but am hoping that it will reduce my stress levels to the point where I won't be waking up at daft o'clock every night with this bloody unbearable itching. I'm also hoping that I won't suffer from any of the possible nasty side effects of which there is an alarmingly extensive list, although it does include reduced appetite and weight loss, which would be a bonus! First day back at work today, well yesterday since it's now after two in the morning, and I found it hard going, especially on the concentration front. Don't expect it will be any better tomorrow.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Warning - whinge alert

Still having trouble sleeping, sometimes it's difficult to get off to sleep - all it takes is for the air to hit my skin and immediately the itching starts, even if I've taken anti-histamines, or my brain won't switch off and sometimes I fall asleep easily but wake in the early hours and am too restless to go back over. I finally told my GP about it and she gave me a week's supply of temazepam to try to get back into sleeping through the night but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I am so exhausted and feeling low. Went to see Mama Mia tonight with friends and enjoyed the film but at the end when everyone else was dancing and singing I could just as easily have cried. My friend thinks I might be depressed and suggested I talk to my doctor again but I'm afraid I'll just sound like a hypochondriac. I suspect the main cause for all the gloom is the never-ending mothersitting - I've been on leave for the past two weeks and been round loads of times for the groundhog day experience of pointless excursions and complaints. I seem to have lost the art of relaxing and feel like I ought to be doing something useful all the time. It's 1.15 am, I've lit the candles in the back room, re-arranged the photos and repositioned the music system and am hoping that messing about on the computer will tire me out enough to go back to sleep soon. I've also poured myself a brandy so may conk out mid sentence when it hits the temazepam. Chance would be a fine thing.