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melting but not down

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

counting my blessings

Monday night went surprisingly well. It was as if we'd never parted on bad terms. Pfft.

It's a good thing I have such a lovely family to come home to. Mr Lily and lovely daughter make me feel loved and cherished and ancient son (30!!!) is just at the end of a phone with words of wise comfort. I really think I'd have been sectioned or incarcerated by now if it were not for them. Things could be a lot worse.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Saturday snap

"I'm going home, I'm sick of being told off! I'm going where people like me and are nice to me!" - my parting shot to mum yesterday. It had been a very trying day.

She was in a good mood when I got there, even said I was early (she normally accuses me of the opposite) although it was about the same time as usual. She was soon in full bitching flow though, working her way through the plethora of people she dislikes for one reason or another. Very tiresome. I suggested we go and look at the flats near me, she was less than enthusiastic on the journey, I could tell she had already set her mind against them. I persevered, drove by the flats, showed mum how close they were to my work and home, the shops, the health centre and the high street, reinforced how quickly I could get there in an emergency and that I'd be able to go over every lunchtime - "huh, you'd soon get sick of that". She seemed angered by my efforts - "I feel like a parcel being shoved about!" I gritted my teeth and moved on to Morrisons.

The shopping went fine but just as we'd got into the car, my lovely cousin rang with sad news. His mum had died that afternoon. It was difficult having a conversation with him as mum was getting impatient next to me. I told her what had happened. She launched into her usual denigrating description of her sister-in-law and was most put out when I said I intended going to the funeral (because, of course, she didn't want to go but if I went, it would make her look bad). Mum's dislike of all of dad's relatives and most of hers has divorced me from my extended family over the years. My cousin is the only one I have left and I'm blowed if she's going to drive a wedge between us just because she chooses to disbelieve that he didn't visit her in hospital because he had the flu. She argued that as I hardly knew my aunt, I shouldn't go to the funeral. I pointed out that my cousin hardly knew my father but he came to his funeral. She had trouble remembering that.

After the shopping we returned home. I washed the pots from lunch. "I suppose you'll be doing a bunk after that". I explained that I was going to the theatre so would have to go. She was not best pleased. She would have to ring her cousin - the only person she could talk to. The one with a saintly son who goes round a lot (what, more than me?!) and does things for her (I mowed the front and back lawns last week!!!). "Its awful to feel you have no-one to turn to". (Just call me the invisible woman). I tried to mollify her by promising to take a day off work soon to be there for support team's demonstration of an amplified phone and sort out a new gardener for her. She resumed complaining about living on her own and wanting a one-bedroomed flat without a garden. I said I'd take her to see the flats just round the corner from her next week. "What's wrong with now?" So we went. She didn't like the look of them.

Back at mum's she had another go at me, I can't remember what exactly but I'd had enough by then and snapped. She had the cheek to say "well you say what you want, why should I keep quiet?!" She keeps quiet??!! I say what I want????!!!! If I bit my tongue any more it'd drop off!

Not looking forward to Monday night.

Friday, 24 April 2009

and here we are again

Its 03:22. Got up to take an anti-histamine and have made myself a cup of tea and switched the computer on to take my mind off the nettle devils. I've also had a fruity/nutty bar thing and two slices of toast and am feeling wide awake, so that's me grinding to a halt around 2pm then. Sigh.

On the plus side, there's light at the end of the tunnel at work since I finally completed the report I've been meaning to finish for weeks (which gets scary woman upstairs off my back for a few days) and I've reduced the piles of 'to do' stuff so its feeling more manageable now.

And I have made a suggestion to mum about a change in accommodation that I think she's considering....(I've abandoned attempts to insert a map).....there's some retirement flats just over the road from where I work and about 2.5 miles away from where I live. They look great, they're about 400 yards from a row of shops and there's a few for sale.

Pros for mum -
  1. its 20 minutes nearer to my work and home than her current address so I could call in every lunchtime and maybe for a while on the days I don't go at present
  2. she might be able to make it to the shops on her own with a walking stick or a tri-walker so wouldn't feel a prisoner in her own home
  3. she might not be so lonely if she's surrounded by people of a similar age, she might even make a friend or two!
  4. she wouldn't have to look after a garden
  5. I'm only 5 minutes away whether at work or at home so can be with her much quicker in an emergency.
Cons -
  1. she'd have to go through the trauma of moving (she's 90 in November!)
  2. she'd have to change her beloved doctor.

Pros for me - 1 and 5 from mum's pros.

Cons for me (totally selfish of course) -

  1. I have a feeling that if I'm more accessible, mum will be summoning me more often.
  2. I'll have to go through the trauma of moving my mum.

Watch this space!

Well not this one of course. Nothing else going to happen in this space. Its 04:20 - I'm going back to bed.

Monday, 20 April 2009

groundhog daft o'clock

Mum saved her poison arrows until I was about to leave on Saturday, then it was "I shouldn't be living alone, this house (bungalow) is too much for me to manage, its the loneliness that's the worst, I hope you never shove me into a home - that would finish me off, what I need is a one bedroomed flat (one room less = a doddle to manage?!), I'll never forget being left alone the first night out of hospital........."
The short version is I'm a terrible daughter for not asking her to live with us
and climb the stairs to the loo and her bedroom
and avoid tripping over our black dog on the charcoal hall and stairs carpet
and be on her own all day while we're all out at work or out with friends
in a house that could never be warm or tidy enough for her
in a village full of strangers and no shops
and a son-in-law she hasn't had a good word to say about for over thirty years.

And just to put the record straight, ok, maybe I should have stayed with her that first night in January 2008 but I collected her from the hospital and stayed with her all day and put her to bed and was exhausted from daily trips to the hospital for a month and just wanted to go home to my own bed. And despite what she might tell you, she DIDN'T ask me to stay - if she had, I would have stayed.

Felt rubbish Saturday night.
Sunday woke at 6.30am and couldn't settle so got up and knitted and watched Sharpe and Heartbeat and Some Like it Hot. Felt headachey and heartachey by the afternoon so went to bed. Still feeling gloomy when I got up at teatime. Just after 1am abandoned sleeping husband as I was itchy and restless so here I am again, on the voyage of the dawn typer.

Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Loads to get done and have slowed down lately due to feeling low. Unexpected tasks send me into a silent panic and I turn into a zombie in the early afternoon. Life is weighing heavily again. Maybe I should ask the doc for stronger Prozac?

Saturday, 18 April 2009

This will make your heart burst with joy!

Go to


You won't regret it!

Sunday, 5 April 2009

I shot my eyes
(but I did not shoot the video)

My eyes are constantly dry and bloodshot even though I'm using ointment. All I want to do is shut them, go to sleep and not wake up until they're better.
I'm tired, bone weary.
And dreading the phone going, as of old, in case it's mum with a new problem.

Went to Manchester to see Tina Turner live on our 30th wedding anniversary yesterday - my present to husband. She was awesome.

Friday, 3 April 2009

how it is

mostly exhausted, especially first thing in the morning, early afternoon and evening
again with the itching
obsessively knitting
finding it more of an effort to put on a happy face
preferring to be quiet and on my own - not sad, just to withdraw from the world for a while

all things pass