About Me

My photo
melting but not down

Monday, 20 April 2009

groundhog daft o'clock

Mum saved her poison arrows until I was about to leave on Saturday, then it was "I shouldn't be living alone, this house (bungalow) is too much for me to manage, its the loneliness that's the worst, I hope you never shove me into a home - that would finish me off, what I need is a one bedroomed flat (one room less = a doddle to manage?!), I'll never forget being left alone the first night out of hospital........."
The short version is I'm a terrible daughter for not asking her to live with us
and climb the stairs to the loo and her bedroom
and avoid tripping over our black dog on the charcoal hall and stairs carpet
and be on her own all day while we're all out at work or out with friends
in a house that could never be warm or tidy enough for her
in a village full of strangers and no shops
and a son-in-law she hasn't had a good word to say about for over thirty years.

And just to put the record straight, ok, maybe I should have stayed with her that first night in January 2008 but I collected her from the hospital and stayed with her all day and put her to bed and was exhausted from daily trips to the hospital for a month and just wanted to go home to my own bed. And despite what she might tell you, she DIDN'T ask me to stay - if she had, I would have stayed.

Felt rubbish Saturday night.
Sunday woke at 6.30am and couldn't settle so got up and knitted and watched Sharpe and Heartbeat and Some Like it Hot. Felt headachey and heartachey by the afternoon so went to bed. Still feeling gloomy when I got up at teatime. Just after 1am abandoned sleeping husband as I was itchy and restless so here I am again, on the voyage of the dawn typer.

Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Loads to get done and have slowed down lately due to feeling low. Unexpected tasks send me into a silent panic and I turn into a zombie in the early afternoon. Life is weighing heavily again. Maybe I should ask the doc for stronger Prozac?


¸.•*´)ღ¸.•*´Chris said...

All you can do is your best for your Mum, Lily, which is exactly what you are doing.

I felt like your Mum was reaching out to you, letting you know she was scared of what was happening to her, more than trying to shoot her poison arrows at you. You know what you are able to handle and it sounds as though her living with you is not a good arrangement. Somewhere down the line, plans will need to be made but for now, it sounds like yo have things under control, even though she might not like it.

Take care of yourself, Lily.

rilera said...

Hugs Lily. Please take care of yourself and try not to let you Mom guilt you.

Lily said...

Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts. Tomorrow is another day!

bulletholes said...

Yeah, like Rilerea says, don't let her guilt you. from what I read you are doing very well.
my friend Stacy is in a situation like yours and she is not handling it near as well.
When i get old and crotchety, I want you to take care of me, not Stacy!

Lily said...

lol bulletholes! I think Mr Lily might have something to say about that!