what do you think?

I started off by checking what I'd been up to this time four years ago then three and quickly became drawn into reading old posts of the surreal reality of dealing with mum's dementia.  Time had dimmed my memory of just how intense, exhausting, agonising, frustrating and occasionally unintentionally hilarious it was.  It got me thinking, if 'everyone has a book in them', is this mine?  Would the story of mum's decline and the impact it had on our relationship be of any interest to anyone?  I wouldn't mind putting it all together just to be able to read it through chronologically, without having to skip backwards through posts. Might be interesting for my son and daughter as I don't think they've seen/know about this blog.  I'd welcome your thoughts, especially those of you who have accompanied me on this journey (if you're still with me!).

coincidence?

The other day I was putting some jewellery away and decided to sort out the tangled mess that was my jewellery box.  Moving mum's wedding ring and dad's signet ring around, I tried them on individually and, not really holding out any hope, asked each if they could help me find a couple of rings I'd been missing for weeks.  Back downstairs, I was drawn to the welsh dresser and picked up a little trinket box.  Inside were the missing rings and a pair of earrings I thought I'd lost.  I'd looked everywhere for those rings but would never have thought of checking the trinket box because it just wasn't somewhere I would have thought to put them.  Maybe the old folks are still with me, maybe not. What do you think?

meh

Is it really only 11 weeks since mum died?  Feels like 11 months. I'd say I'm all over it now but maybe not.  I suspect that the stress of the months leading up to mum's death has finally caught up with me.  I am feeling quite low but I'm attributing that to lack of sleep - for weeks and weeks the old nettle devils problem has been waking me up constantly, gradually zombie-fying me.   I've tried a variety of anti-histamines and moisturisers (made me itch more) but it wasn't until I slathered myself in steroid ointment and took a double dose of doze-inducing anti-histamines two days ago that relief finally came. I'm hoping things will improve from now because I'm really struggling at work, not only lacking the energy to get through the day but also having lost all enthusiasm for the job.  I'd retire today if I could afford it.

waiting

Mum hasn't eaten for a week or two, hasn't drank for 5 days.  When weighed a couple of weeks ago she was 4 stone 9 pounds (65 pounds) but will be a lot less now.  She's permanently bedridden and mostly asleep, a bundle of skin and bone.  Now and then she makes a little "ooh" noise and shifts her limbs slightly, once in a while she opens her sunken eyes but they stare blankly and briefly ahead before closing again.  She was 92 on Sunday, I don't think my "Happy Birthday Mum!" registered at all.  The doctor has prescribed Oromorph to reduce pain/agitation.  Mum lies on an air mattress and the care home staff turn her every 4 hours to reduce the chance of pressure sores but she is starting to get red patches on the boniest parts of her body.  I've been advised that the end is probably days rather than weeks away, everyone is amazed at what a tough old bird she is. Surprising how exhausting waiting for the inevitable is.  I wake up in the early hours most nights and am dragging myself through the day at work, mobile always in reach in case the home calls and says its time to say goodbye. I wish it were over.

knitaholic

Now that I'm going to be a grandma (next April), I've been inspired to finish Mr Lily's tank top and my winter cardigan, to clear the decks for baby clothes.  As usual, all I want to do is surf free knitting pattern sites and get those needles clicking, housework can go hang.  It helps to keep occupied - mum is not well at all, she still hasn't regained her speech or full mobility on her right side so I'm sure she had a stroke after that fall.  She sleeps and moans a lot, as though she's in pain, but spits out her medication - even the liquid painkiller.  She hasn't eaten for a couple of days and if she doesn't pick up today the home will call the doctor out on Monday to see whether s/he thinks the End of Life protocol should be put in place, with MacMillan nurse care, etc.

what do you think of it so far?

my home made aphasia communication chart -