meh

Is it really only 11 weeks since mum died?  Feels like 11 months. I'd say I'm all over it now but maybe not.  I suspect that the stress of the months leading up to mum's death has finally caught up with me.  I am feeling quite low but I'm attributing that to lack of sleep - for weeks and weeks the old nettle devils problem has been waking me up constantly, gradually zombie-fying me.   I've tried a variety of anti-histamines and moisturisers (made me itch more) but it wasn't until I slathered myself in steroid ointment and took a double dose of doze-inducing anti-histamines two days ago that relief finally came. I'm hoping things will improve from now because I'm really struggling at work, not only lacking the energy to get through the day but also having lost all enthusiasm for the job.  I'd retire today if I could afford it.

waiting

Mum hasn't eaten for a week or two, hasn't drank for 5 days.  When weighed a couple of weeks ago she was 4 stone 9 pounds (65 pounds) but will be a lot less now.  She's permanently bedridden and mostly asleep, a bundle of skin and bone.  Now and then she makes a little "ooh" noise and shifts her limbs slightly, once in a while she opens her sunken eyes but they stare blankly and briefly ahead before closing again.  She was 92 on Sunday, I don't think my "Happy Birthday Mum!" registered at all.  The doctor has prescribed Oromorph to reduce pain/agitation.  Mum lies on an air mattress and the care home staff turn her every 4 hours to reduce the chance of pressure sores but she is starting to get red patches on the boniest parts of her body.  I've been advised that the end is probably days rather than weeks away, everyone is amazed at what a tough old bird she is. Surprising how exhausting waiting for the inevitable is.  I wake up in the early hours most nights and am dragging myself through the day at work, mobile always in reach in case the home calls and says its time to say goodbye. I wish it were over.

knitaholic

Now that I'm going to be a grandma (next April), I've been inspired to finish Mr Lily's tank top and my winter cardigan, to clear the decks for baby clothes.  As usual, all I want to do is surf free knitting pattern sites and get those needles clicking, housework can go hang.  It helps to keep occupied - mum is not well at all, she still hasn't regained her speech or full mobility on her right side so I'm sure she had a stroke after that fall.  She sleeps and moans a lot, as though she's in pain, but spits out her medication - even the liquid painkiller.  She hasn't eaten for a couple of days and if she doesn't pick up today the home will call the doctor out on Monday to see whether s/he thinks the End of Life protocol should be put in place, with MacMillan nurse care, etc.

what do you think of it so far?

my home made aphasia communication chart -

sorted

The doctor has been out to see mum and has agreed that she should not go through that awful hospital experience again.  He has told the care home staff that unless she has broken bones or is bleeding badly, they should just put her to bed when poorly and send for the doctor.  Hope it works.

Does anyone know of a visual aid for those who can't speak, to express their needs like hunger, tired, in pain etc?  I did see one picture book on the net but it was about £45!

the sparrow has landed

Mum arrived back at the care home this afternoon, the hospital did not discharge her with a diagnosis or any test results.  The care home staff said she was starving and munched her way through lots of food on her arrival - no difficulty with swallowing at all!  When my daughter and I went to see her tonight, she had another sandwich, a biscuit and a few sips of tea.  She still can't talk but seemed  happy to be back in familiar surroundings.  Surprisingly she wasn't resting in bed after her ordeal - staff said she kept trying to get out so they put her in the lounge with the other residents where she enjoyed the company.  Her eyes are still a little hooded and her right side is still weak, she has limited use of her right arm and hand, but hopefully will improve with time.  Altogether, she looked much better than I'd expected.  So glad we got her out of hospital before she starved to death!