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melting but not down

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

The best laid plans....

  • Never got round to watching Ladies in Lavender, thanks to the computer's siren call, but was disciplined enough to go to bed at 10pm. Was woken up somewhere between 1 and 2am by persistent itching so I applied moisturiser and made myself a cup of tea. I had intended watching LiL but when I turned on the TV there was a subtitled Spanish film on, 'The Sea Inside', which turned out to be mesmerising. (I love foreign films but can't abide dubbed versions. I much prefer to hear the original actors' voices, even if I can't understand everything they're saying.) The actors gave moving performances of the true story of a fisherman who was paralysed from the neck down in a diving accident and who, after spending years dependent on others to take care of him, decided to fight for the right to die. His legal challenge failed but he ended his life by taking cyanide. I went back to bed when the film finished at 3.20.

  • Up itchy again at 6.30, determined to tell my doctor I wanted to come off Prozac because of the side effects. He kindly but firmly advised me against it, explaining that such a course of action could take me right back and possibly to worse than I had been in the past. He was certain that my itchiness and skin problems were not indicative of a drug-related rash but the discoid eczema flaring up again (linked to stress/depression) and has given me another short course of steroid tablets and some heavy duty steroid cream. He has booked me in for a fasting blood test on Friday to check whether there's anything else going on that could cause my tiredness, eg underactive thyroid or anaemia. I rather hope the tests find something that can be treated and cured.

Called in at work on my way home this morning and relayed above to my lovely sympathetic boss who saw beyond my I'm-ok-just-a-bit-flat facade - I had to admit I did feel quite low. I have decided to take the rest of the week off as I'm too dull-brained and tired to cope with work. LSB has offered to arrange independent counselling for me, I'm tempted.... what do you think? I'm nervous of sharing intimate secrets with a stranger.

Lol, I've just re-read the last bit and realised that's exactly what I've been doing in this blog! Of course, there are some some sensitive issues I don't write about and I suppose those are the things I'm wary of bringing to a counsellor; I've never been keen on worms, in or out of the can.


dmarks said...

I've never tried watching a foreign-language feature with audio in that language and no subtitles. Sounds like it is worth a try.

If you don't like worms, aren't you kind of keen on them if they remain sealed in a can?

Anna said...

I found seeing a counsellor really helpful.

Mostly because it was an opportunity to talk and have someone's full attention for 50 minutes without them getting bored, or having to answer the phone or just pretend to be listening.

It's like the ultimate "me time", and although my counsellor was very person centred and usually just asked questions like "And how did you feel about that?" it sort of pushed me a little to think about some of the issues I'd been avoiding, and then I could deal with them or let them go more easily.

I did see a psychiatric nurse too, who used cognitive behaviour therapy. The two complimented each other well for me.

I'd give the counselling a go. Maybe do a few sessions and see if you think it's helpful. And remember that you're in control of the session, so if there's something you don't want to talk about, then don't talk about it.

rilera said...

I recommend meeting with a counselor. You might be surprised by how easy it is to talk and share your most intimate secrets. I've been doing therapy for 4 years and have to tell you that it has helped keep me on balance and has even helped to strengthen my coping skills while caring for my mom. Make sure you are comfortable with this person if you decide to do it.

Lily said...

lol dmarks - I'm not that brave, I left the subtitles on as well as the sound!
Thanks for your encouragement anna and rilera. I haven't got round to phoning the counsellor yet but I think I will. The trouble is, I have discussed some of my issues at length with close friends and have interrogated myself over the other stuff, so I'm worried that whatever I discuss with the counsellor will seem stale and rehearsed. That's just an avoidance tactic, isn't it? Lol. Ok, I'll go for it.

Lynn said...

Hi Lily, this is so weird, I just got your post about my trip to England on my blog and had to visit you. I just read this post of yours about Prozac. I was on it for 10 years and it changed my life, for the better, but it does have a lot of side effects :( I say ask your doctor for something else if it is not making you feel better by now. It should be. I changed to Effexor XR two years ago and the only side effect that bothers me is the bit of weight gain, but I can live with that as long as I am not depressed. Anti depressants work differently on everyone and if you are not happy ask for something else. I also would certainly recommend therapy of any kind, I have learned so much about myself and how to deal with life long depression.
One other thing, have your doctor check your B12 to see if it is low when you do the fasting blood test. All the vitamin B's are great for depression, I am B12 deficiant so I take suppliments daily and am feeling wonderful :)

I think that "bit flat facade" is the Prozac, did it to me too.

Lily said...

Thanks for dropping by lynn! Interesting that you should mention B12 - my mum has pernicious anaemia and has to have quarterly injections of vitamin B12. Also, I've read that there's a link between a history of PA in the family and underactive thyroid problems which may, or may not, be at the root of my own weight gain/tiredness. Watch this space!

J said...

If you've been offered counselling... GO FOR IT! What you think might be stale because you spoke of it with friends won't be the same when talking to a professional.
I think a chance at counselling would be a Blessing.

Lily said...

Cheers j, I WILL phone that number!