About Me

My photo
melting but not down

Sunday, 6 April 2008


Yesterday two things happened that left me feeling uncomfortably anxious and off kilter. The first was self-induced. I did a shameful thing - having parked the car, the wind took the door out of my hand and slammed it into the car next to me, leaving a dint. I panicked, got back in the car and moved to a different space. I then spent the whole of lunch with that old familiar hot knot in my chest, worried in case one of the other diners accosted me for my cowardly behaviour. Once before, when something similar happened, I left a note with an explanation and my details under the other car's windscreen wiper. I don't know why I didn't do the same yesterday, perhaps because my mother was with me and would have given me a hard time for being so honest/considerate, perhaps because I'm more emotionally unstable than I realised (I have had a few melt-downs in the last year) and just wanted to avoid an unpleasant confrontation. The incident made me think though, was it a good thing that I felt bad? Did it mean I had a conscience and felt remorse for doing wrong or was it not so much guilt that I felt but fear of being found out? Anyway, the anxiety slowly subsided as we finished the meal without interruption and left the pub, the other car having already gone. About an hour later, the panic button was pressed again - putting up mum's tablets for the following week, I opened the bag of repeat meds to discover that the pharmacy had given me 300mg aspirin instead of 75 and I only had enough of the right dosage to last until Thursday. Organising her medication has always felt a big, scary responsibility (seven on a morning, two on a night) so this glitch coming so soon after the dint incident really got to me. I know it's a simple thing to phone the chemist on Monday to put it right but at the time it felt like the last straw. Anyway, lovely daughter came to the rescue again and took me off to the pictures to see Horton Hears a Who, so a combination of laughter and lots of sweets calmed me down. Then joined husband in the pub with friends, more laughter and home. Today the sun is shining, better times ahead I hope.

No comments: