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melting but not down

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Happy New Year?

Thanks again, everyone, for your support and kind comments. They are a real comfort to me, all the more so because I know you all have your own difficulties to deal with.

I debated about writing this post, seems as though I've done nothing but whinge for days. Still, I feel the need to document what has been happening, it saves burdening my poor family. I'm seriously thinking about seeing a counsellor to help me deal with mum. This is the story so far....

Mum was due to be discharged on Tuesday. I went to work and waited for the call. Hours went by. I phoned at regular intervals, each time being told they had to wait for the latest blood test results to be ok'd by the doctor before she could go. At 4pm she finally got the all clear. I left work, called at mum's to pick up some clothes and went to the hospital. She was furious. In her deaf person's loud voice she told me and the rest of the ward that she had been "heartbroken" all day, she thought I had abandoned her, if she had had her house keys she would have phoned someone to take her home and so on. No amount of my explaining that I'd had to wait for the hospital to give the go ahead, mollified her. I asked the ward sister to confirm this but mum didn't believe her, apparently she'd spent all day telling her that I'd forgotten about her.

Long story short, took mum home. Rode out the accusations and agreed to spend the night. I was quite happy to curl up on the settee but this infuriated mum. I was all the unnatural daughters under the sun for not wanting to sleep in the double bed - the one she and dad used to share that has a plastic cover over the mattress and is soooooooo uncomfortable. In the end she made such a fuss that I gave in. I kept hearing her mooching about during the night and a couple of times she came into the bedroom, I'm sure she was trying to wake me up. Eventually I thought it was light enough outside to be a reasonable hour - I rose and dressed. It was 5.30am.

Shattered, I just wanted to doze on the settee but mum complained constantly about the "deadly silence". I didn't know what to say. The hours rolled by. I made breakfast (half a slice of toast and a 30ml build up drink for mum), gave her her tablets, washed up, made beds and tidied up. Finally, mum curled up for a cat nap and I took the opportunity to do the same. She spent the rest of the day nodding off like this, no wonder she doesn't sleep at night! She seemed to have calmed down. The care team came and installed an alarm thingy - I doubt she'll keep the emergency button on the cord round her neck. Then the Fast Team carer arrived - mum is to have 10 days of free calls - breakfast, lunch and tea. After making mum some lunch (a spoonful of Cumberland Pie and two sprouts) and giving her a second anti-biotic, I went home for a shower and to do some shopping for mum before I went back to see how she'd got on with the tea-time carers. She hadn't - they'd been but she hadn't answered the door - asleep? deliberately awkward? Who knows. Could only get her to take her tablets, eat half a clementine and one chocolate. She was still curled up on the settee, nodding off every few minutes. I explained again that I had to go because we were going to a New Year's Eve party but I would be back again the next day.

Tired, but looking forward to an evening with friends, I was getting ready when the phone rang. Mum. "Never felt so lonely, considering getting a lodger to stay for free, had rung her cousin (who can see her daughter's house from her flat and has a son who does all her little jobs), what had I been doing all day(?!)" and on and on and on. Guilt descended like a millstone dredged from the depths of an Icelandic lake. I tried to enjoy the party but had to keep blinking away the tears. I couldn't wait for midnight to come so that I could go home and yet I dreaded it, in case the phone rang again.

My dog woke me up at 8.30am, so here I am.

It's 09:03. My mother has just rung. "Is that 'Lily'? Well I need help now, not at tea-time". She sounds in a foul mood. Wish me luck.


cornbread hell said...

good luck.

Lily said...

lol, cheers x

Clippy Mat said...

good luck doesn't seem to be quite enough.
you deserve a medal.
chin up.