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melting but not down

Friday, 9 October 2009

the deed is done

I visited two dual registration nursing homes today, both in an area quite close to where mum grew up (and where she now thinks her home is), so hopefully she will feel more settled there, especially as she will be able to keep her current doctor. Both homes had a 'good' rating from the Care Quality Commission and were the nearest of their type to where I live. The first was a converted couple of large Victorian houses and I felt it was a little warren-like and claustrophobic. Also the lounge area had seating all around the perimeter, not so conducive to socialising.

The second was much newer and airier.
I was impressed by the facilities and the warmth and experience of the member of staff who showed me (and an 'expert' home-carer friend) round, so I chose this one. I phoned the social worker so she could arrange for the nursing home to assess mum, it should be ok, I'd already given them much of the information they needed and no problems were identified. Apparently, mum could move in the day after a positive assessment so perhaps this time next week or not long after.....

After initial nervousness and then adrenalin fuelled fact finding, I now feel rather flat and apprehensive. I'm dreading the whole moving mum in thing, even worse, the leaving mum in the home for the first time moment. This is just awful. Despite the consensus of the hospital doctor, social worker, community psychiatric nurse and Primary Care Trust, arranging for mum to go into a nursing home feels as though its all my doing, particularly as I've been thinking she would be better off in residential care for a long time. Who am I kidding - I'd be better off (emotionally/physically) if mum were in residential care. I didn't visit mum today. Couldn't face it.


Clippy Mat said...

Lily: don't beat yourself up. You have done a great job with your mum; often against the odds. Don't allow yourself to feel guilt when it will spoil the little time you may have left together. She will settle down and probably surprise you. I could not believe that my dad adjusted and actually enjoyed living in a nursing home and was even well liked by staff, until he died this May. The hardest part is over. Take care.

Emily said...

When you're the caretaker, it's hard to remember that you need to take care of yourself first...like on the airplanes, when they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before fitting it onto your child? It's true. I haven't had to care for an elderly person, but I have had to care for an out-of-control teenager. Same principle.

You're not exactly dumping her any old place, you realize. You've put a lot of thought & effort into this. She would NOT be happy living with you; you can't really handle her needs, and she seems to enjoy baiting you. That's not good for her either.

You'll be keeping an eye on her in her new home, to make sure she's getting the proper attention. With luck, she'll like it...it'll be much better than the hospital!

Will she be able to bring some familiar items from her home?

Lily said...

Thanks Clippy. Yes Emily, mum will be able to take keepsakes and even bits of furniture, if she goes into the room we were shown, there's quite a bit of space as well as an en suite bathroom.