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melting but not down

Monday, 3 November 2008

My zizzle has fizzled

Think it evaporated somewhere between the front door and getting into the car this morning. Oh well, it would have been extinguished by mum tonight anyway, she never misses an opportunity to comment on my weight gain (which is not THAT bad, I mean I'm not morbidly obese or anything). How would she like it if every time I went round I said 'haven't you got skinny and wrinkly and just look at those varicose veins!' Not a lot, I'd wager.

Dutiful daughters look away now.

I am finding this parenting-a-parent thing really difficult at the moment. I feel unappreciated other than for my practical usefulness with shopping etc and really resenting the demands it makes on my time and energy, both physical and emotional. Never having loved my mother Wow I actually typed that! or liked her much for that matter - we are total opposites in most things - I can't fall back on 'I remember mum when we were close, this isn't really her' to help me through the groundhog days. I composed this little ditty on the way home tonight...

I'm sure I'd
Have more fun
If I were
An orfun,
On Mondays,
And Saturdays.

That's as far as I've got. Bit miserable this post, innit. I may yet delete it.


cornbread hell said...

maybe we really are twins separated at birth?

don't delete it. let it evolve.

here. read the first part of this: http://cornbreadhell.blogspot.com/2007/08/how-do-i-say-this-without-sounding-cold.html

Lily said...

Well maybe, we do seem to have lots in common AND I have a huge bag of mosaic tiles in the shed that I bought ages ago to transform the top of a garden table into a flame-licked sun in a blue sky (I know road, hell, good intentions). Actually, maybe you're just me in a different dimension? I like your life better. Except for the car crash of course. Stay safe x

Anna said...

It's fine to not like people, even your own mum.

Must be very stressful looking after her - pretty sure I couldn't do something like that - especially as she seems to be very demanding and negative.

Lily said...

Thanks for your understanding anna. I wish I could love her, despite our differences, but never having felt loved by her makes it so much harder. Sigh.

Anna said...

Yeah, love's a reciprocal thing.

I don't care what anyone says, it's not possible to properly love someone who doesn't love you back.

Seems like we save our "best", proper love for those who "deserve" it.

I'm also pretty sure that love isn't one of those things you can choose to do or not do - it's out of our control.

oldcrow61 said...

As Anna said, I can't imagine the stress and don't think I'd be able to handle it.