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melting but not down

Monday, 5 July 2010

what's up?

I am, at daft o'clock again. Had a long lie in this morning - it was after 1pm when I finally surfaced, most unusual for me. Then I ran out of steam early evening and retired for 40 winks which ended up more like 4,000. I was still winking when my husband came to bed about an hour or two ago, then I got up to get a drink and here I am. Don't know why my energy levels are so low, I'm eating enough and healthily. Probably stress. The deputyship thing weighs heavily on my mind at the moment, so much to organise and I'm going to be 'supervised' by the Court of Protection so I'm anxious about doing it properly. Post Prozac I'm finding that I do tend to panic a bit about things I don't understand - I changed my car a few weeks ago and got myself in a right tiz about swapping the insurance over, very confusing.

Mum, meanwhile, is blissfully ignorant of all this. She has settled well into the home now and seems much more cheerful when we visit, albeit she still wonders when she'll be able to leave. We just say 'when you're better'. At first glance, you wouldn't think there was much amiss with her other than the deafness and the current chest infection - she chats quite normally about everyday things (as long as you don't ask her any questions that rely on memory, like what did you have for lunch today) but then drops the occasional bombshell - last week she was wishing her grumpy old father would meet a woman and get married!

I suppose I ought to go back to bed. Work tomorrow. Will I go on the bike? If only there weren't a huge hill between home and work that makes me arrive at the other end tomato faced and 'glowing'.


Greg said...

Oh dear, I was just going to comment the other day that you were posting something at a more healthy hour. I'm suffering terribly from lack of energy at the moment, and I think disrupted sleep is the cause. These hot nights probably - I mean, this is Yorkshire! I'm used to being able to see my own breath of a July evening ;)

I recognise your Post-Prozac concerns. I was very sensitive to wobbliness, to anxiety, to indecision, etc after my withdrawal from medication, but then I decided that these words existed before the invention of antidepressants, so it was only natural to experience them. 6 years later, I still have the occasional moment where I wonder if maybe I ought to be back on something, but MANY more moments of relief that my body chemistry isn't being constantly tweaked, that I'm "me". I think it will be very clear to you and your family if you need to go back to the pills.

I'm glad your Mum is settled. There's a lady at my Mum's place who's been "only visiting for the day and waiting to be picked up" for months now. The staff just offer her a cup of tea if she ever gets concerned about her late-arriving parents...

Oh, I KEEP falling into the trap of asking my Mum questions that require memory and I wince and feel so guilty every time she says "I don't remember". On the other hand, she seems to enjoy me telling her stories that feature her - she'll say "yes!" at points, as if it's coming back to her, but she can never finish the story so I think the recognition is tenuous at best. Like with your Mum she can never recall what she's just eaten for lunch. Quite often she'll be quite certain she hasn't HAD lunch, or says "I don't think they DO lunch here..."

Strangely, I've lately become reassured by Mum's lack of short-term memory and her having become untethered in time. It means she's sitting there in an eternal present, not afflicted by the crushing boredom that I would feel in such a place. I find the time travelling fascinating - the sudden insights into childhood incidents and family members who I never got to meet.

G x

p.s. today's verification word on this was "battycat"

Snowbrush said...

My energy is forever going up and, at some later point, cycling back down again. Who knows the why of these things?

I would bike if I were you, but then I'm not. I guess I would see biking as a possible way to get the energy rising again because I loathe those times when it is low.

Lily said...

Good advice Snowbrush, but I'm an expert in finding excuses not to bike to work. Today it is raining! I really must get back ON the saddle - less than 5 weeks to our holidays and I'd love to speed up the weight loss.

Greg, such wise words and I know exactly what you mean about the compensatory effects of memory loss, for mum AND me. I haven't been to see her for almost a fortnight - we were away in London last weekend and now I have a summer cold I don't want to pass on to the care home residents, but I'm not stressing as I would have done because I know mum won't be counting the days.