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melting but not down

Sunday, 7 June 2009

oh-oh

There's something definitely not right with me. I tried to get on with Mr Lily's business books early this afternoon but within minutes my brain was whimpering 'I can't do it, its too hard, I'm closing down'; exhaustion and anxiety drove me to my bed around 1pm. I slept and slept until 9pm. I feel restless and like last night and the night before, I'm putting off going to bed until I'm so tired that I can't keep my eyes open any longer. The house is a tip but I can't be bothered to tidy up, I just want to knit. Knit and sleep.

Maybe I'm wrong to blame the usual suspect, but it doesn't help that without fail, no matter how well the day has gone with mum, when she sees me getting ready to leave she always, always, starts on the 'I shouldn't be living alone, its too much for me, its the loneliness that's the worst' (if you were a good daughter you would be taking me in to live with you) guilt trip that sits on my shoulder all the way home and for ages afterwards until topped up at the next visit. Sometimes I even think I should try it and then I imagine all the things she would find fault with and having to play piggy in the middle between her and my husband and I just can't face it. Maybe I will try a counsellor but when would I have the time to go?

4 comments:

Granny on the Web said...

Oh, Lily! Hugs and strokes over the cyber waves to you. It is so hard, I do understand. Allow yourself this pain and resentment, it is natural... when we were kids we were allowed the chance to stamp our feet and shout "It's not FAIR".
Knitting is obviously your balm to ease the frustration, so if it is the only thing you can find relief in, then I am sure it must help.
Be gentle with yourself!
Love Granny

Lily said...

Thanks granny x

cornbread hell said...

that just sucks.
i'm so sorry, ms lily.

(the word verification word on this comment is "worst". really.)

Lily said...

cheers corny x