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melting but not down

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Prozac - week 4 - the drugs DO work!

Yay! I no longer have to check and recheck short runs of numbers because I've forgotten what comes after the second digit, I can keep working efficiently all day long, I've been cheery at work and with mum and I'm starting to sleep normally. The oddest thing is I used to dread going to mum's all the time and now I don't really mind. I've even found myself spontaneously hugging and kissing her and she seems to have chilled out too. It's weird. I've spent all my remembered life not liking or feeling close to her and now I'm beginning to feel like I imagine daughters ought to feel about their mothers. I hope it stays like this, she's 88 and not in the best of health, it would be nice to think that in her last years we had a good relationship. We've even had a few touching moments, I fell asleep on her settee last Saturday and she put her dressing gown over me and yesterday as I was washing her hair in the shower, I got her to rest her hand on my shoulder so she felt steadier. Aah.

Now what I want to know is, is this the real me or is it the Prozac me? For as long as I can remember, going right back to childhood, I've felt a deep sadness and even anger at the core which I've masked with a lighthearted exterior. A friend once said to me accusingly, 'you always have to make a joke of everything' and it really hurt because it made me feel like such a shallow person. I don't remember any major traumas that might have caused such a coping mechanism. For years now my two favourite fantasies have been to be able to stop whatever I was doing and just curl up somewhere comfy and sleep, sleep, sleep or to swing a hefty punch/baseball bat/axe at the head of whoever was getting on my nerves. Now the inner well of melancholy has disappeared and I don't know what will happen next. Today I had a few skittish moments at work, not a good idea. It's a little unnerving.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for keeping up your posts. I am following your tale with great interest. I started Prozac about a week after you did. I hope that it is as effective for me as it seems to be for you. And I don't think I would worry about it being the 'real' you or the 'prozac' you. If you are able to feel at ease and relaxed, well, I think it makes it worthwhile.


Lily said...

Thanks Anon, I was hoping that I'd have fellow Prozac pioneers checking in and sharing experiences! Any plans to start your own blog? Yes I do think the medication is worthwhile, despite my latest post. I'm already worrying that my doctor will take me off it too soon and I'll return to the old miserable me!