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melting but not down

Friday, 27 January 2012


Is it really only 11 weeks since mum died?  Feels like 11 months. I'd say I'm all over it now but maybe not.  I suspect that the stress of the months leading up to mum's death has finally caught up with me.  I am feeling quite low but I'm attributing that to lack of sleep - for weeks and weeks the old nettle devils problem has been waking me up constantly, gradually zombie-fying me.   I've tried a variety of anti-histamines and moisturisers (made me itch more) but it wasn't until I slathered myself in steroid ointment and took a double dose of doze-inducing anti-histamines two days ago that relief finally came. I'm hoping things will improve from now because I'm really struggling at work, not only lacking the energy to get through the day but also having lost all enthusiasm for the job.  I'd retire today if I could afford it.


Greg said...

Everyone I speak to has been having trouble sleeping since Christmas. I've been the worst I've ever been with insomnia - I've never heard of a sleeplessness bug before but I'd be prepared to consider the possibility.

Weirdly, I've succumbed to some skin problems that see me slathering on the steroid ointment, too. Do you think grief irritates the pores as it seeps from us?

Lily said...

Definitely separated at birth, you and I! I think grief must be one of those delayed reaction emotions, not allowing itself full vent until life has stabilised sufficiently to accommodate a mini meltdown. For me, stress has always expressed itself in skin problems, maybe there's a chemical imbalance, as with many mental health problems, that causes changes in cell structure?

rilera said...

It's so hard to stay focused on mundane things like work when we are grieving. Time heals. Thinking of you.

bulletholes said...

Lily, you'll spend some time the rest of your life discovering all the way mum's life and death has affected you, and you'll come to understand you'll never understand all the ways, and its kind of a cool feeling.
I have dreams all the time about being with mom and dad, and then dad dies and its just me and mum, and we are talking about how much we miss him, and then at some point I realize I'm just dreaming, and mums already gone too; that they are both gone.
It sounds real sad, but its really a good feeling--bittersweet--- but good.
The kind of good where you can't wait to have another dream like that.