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Saturday, 4 December 2010

I'm a terrible daughter

I haven't been to see mum for a fortnight. I meant to go last week but then the weather went arctic and the roads were treacherous and I was so busy and we were away in London for a long weekend and, and, and..... The thing is, I've stopped feeling guilty about not visiting exactly seven days apart - I know she's well cared for, the home contacts me if there are any concerns at all, mum doesn't really have a grasp of the passage of time and I'm knackered. Excuses, excuses. Must try and get over this weekend and hope the black ice doesn't get me. Still, I am enjoying the copious amounts of snow, this is how winters should be.


Greg said...

I went through the same thing about visits. When Mum first moved into her home she was calling every day asking when I was going to come. Sometimes I would get home from a visit only to find an answer phone message from her - she had already lost the memory of my being there, and for her it seemed a long time since she had seen me.

Then, at some point after she lost the ability to work the phone, I noticed that she wasn't hassling me about visits when I called. She was now living in an eternal present where everything had just recently happened (including things from her childhood). She was still happy to see me when I turned up, but she wasn't anxious at all about when it would happen next. She just knew that my visits were regular and that was enough for her.

You've got to live your own life. Your Mother would want that. You've supported her over a difficult time and you visited frequently when she needed that extra reassurance. Now that she's settled it's time for you to dial back a little, before seeing your Mum becomes something that tortures you without benefitting her. You still need to visit regularly, in order to make sure she has all she needs, but it needn't be every week, as you say.

You are NOT a terrible daughter - I trust the title of your post was written with irony?

Clippy Mat said...

Don't feel guilty. You do a great job so give yourself a pat on the back.
You must be the first person 'over 'om' who's said they are enjoying all that snow.

rilera said...

We are having a White Christmas this year! We received 8 inches overnight.

Don't feel guilty about your mom.

libby said...

Don't beat yourself up so....your status as good daughter is not in doubt...enjoy the snow!

Lily said...

Thank you very much, each and every one! How about I'm a good enough daughter and I'll just do the best I can? (I phoned the home today and mum is fine so I feel a bit better.)

J said...

i know how you feel. i'm struggling to pull myself back together from the years mom lived with us. i didn't realize to the extint that i had buried myself. so when i miss a spell of visiting i feel as if i've been awful.
but as you said with your mom, they are well cared for and at the stage of their alz they don't really realize time frame.
it's just going to take you and me awhile to let go of the guilt trips we put on ourselves.

Lily said...

thanks J, good to hear from you again x

rilera said...

Thinking of you Lily and hoping you are doing well and that you realize that you are doing a very good job with your mom.

I see from the news that you are experiencing snow and cold. Stay warm.

Lily said...

Merry Christmas rilera x x

Louise said...

Just found your blog and have read through it... such resonance, except that I live with my mother. Three years into caregiving, I now feel guilty if I don't get up in the middle of the night when she can't sleep, or if I don't go to her straight away when I hear her stir in her room in the morning. Why is it that this caregiving takes so much out of us, I wonder? I hope the next year is good for you and that you keep us posted (I, for one, need the hope).