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melting but not down

Sunday, 20 December 2009

The Daft O'Clock Chronicles, continued

Well here I am again, pounding the keys at nearly 2am, more because I don't want to go to bed than because I want to blog. I'm living a double life at the moment super-efficient, upbeat, unfaseable (is that how you spell it?) at work; distracted, obsessive, procrastinatory (!) at home. And when I'm not busy with some totally absorbing activity like knitting or xmas shopping (think I finished it today!) or playing Farmville (I know, sad), I'm sleeping for England (but not going to bed until I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open any more). Anything to keep the sticky footed 'you put your mother in a home' devil on my shoulder from catching my attention.

Went to see mum on Wednesday - she wasn't in too bad a mood but still time travelling, mostly rooted in the past with long-gone relatives but occasionally visiting the present for brief moments. She introduced me to the other residents in the lounge as her sister yet she knows my name. I suppose its pointless trying to understand what's going on in her head, its probably as much of mystery to mum as it is to me. However, 'The 36 Hour Day' book has arrived so I'm hoping it will shed some light on the subject and give me some useful coping skills.

Tomorrow, sorry - today, the plan is to tidy up the house and get the christmas tree and decorations down from the loft. That's the plan ....


rilera said...

I know only too well the guilt of "I put my mother in a home" but in the end we have to realize that a: your mom is finally safe and well cared for, and b: she can't live at her home anymore, not safely. Try to let it go and focus on the fact that she's safe. It's time to fit yourself into her world in whatever personna she sees you as at the time. And cherish the fact that she is physically still with you. (((HUGS)))

Clippy Mat said...

the last time my mam came to Canada she was in the early stages of dementia. we went for coffee one day and she seemed confused about who we were to each other as we sat talking.
"are you my mother?" she asked looking very unsure and a little afraid.
my heart broke.
but then i thought, yes i am.

Emily said...

I love the line, "sleeping for England"! I live in NY, so I can't try that.

Yes, you did put your mother in a home, a good home, God bless you for it. She's safe now, well-cared for. And yes, be grateful you still have her, even if she's sometimes awful. She has no idea how lucky she is to have a daughter as caring as you!

Lily said...

Thanks guys (gals?). Oh Clippy, that's how I feel now, mothering the mother child. I never did get to have an adult to adult relationship with mum. One of us was/is always the child.