..and the rest of Tuesday..

..written up at this late hour because the nettle devils wouldn't let me sleep. Got a cancellation at the dentist's this afternoon so my sharp broken tooth is now smoothly filed down. Back home to wait for lovely daughter to accompany me to mum's, chivvied on by a phone call from mum's neighbour who asks on her behalf whether I'm coming tonight. When we arrive mum says, "oh you're here at last...its awful when you've no-one to turn to" and "I bet you wouldn't have come if (neighbour) hadn't rung". She is still in her nightie and dressing gown from this morning. Mrs Hyde continues in this vein for quite a while before finally mellowing into Dr Jekyll, helped by drip fed fish and chips, cups of tea, biscuits and cake. The bedtime carers arrive and mum seems to like them, she allows them to take a spare door key, so no more having to leave the door unlocked to make sure they can get in.

can't complain (but I will anyway)

Mum is on good form at the moment. Fiesty, jokey - she has demanded I cancel the home care service as she doesn't like strangers coming in, rootling through her fridge and "shoving food down (her)", especially the one who didn't wash her hands before making a sandwich. She seems to have more energy and less confusion so I've done as she asked. I think she'll be ok getting her own food and taking her tablets. She even didn't have a problem with my not going round last night (late night working) - the first time I've missed a day since she took ill just before Christmas.

I, on the other hand, am dropping to bits. Tired, eczema's back, itchy, still coughing, some weird gynaecological thing going on. Will discuss all with my doctor tomorrow as well as the sleep clinic results - oxygen levels fine but pulse irregular. I have tomorrow off work to be home when the technician comes to set up our new TV. I would like to think I'll get lots of housework done but I'll probably just sleep. Suppose I'd better get dressed and ready for work now. Sigh.

Funny what you find...

... in your mother's photo collection. While she was busy tonight finding something mean to say about most of the people in the pictures (including my lovely dad) I was revisiting the past, remembered and forgotten. So when mum said I could take any photos of my son and daughter that I wanted (part of her de-cluttering obsession, some would call it a total lack of sentimentality), I managed to slip these three in as well. Each has its own link to a strong memory of bad/good/bewildering times...

The bad - mum insisted on entering me for a beauty parade. I won but that didn't erase the humiliation of hearing one of the judges say about me 'such a pretty face, what a shame about her legs'. I hated summer - short socks and short sleeved dresses meant I couldn't hide the eczema in the folds of my knees and elbows.

The good - this is me with Billy, my beautiful sky blue budgie. He was actually a she but by the time we realised, we couldn't imagine her as a him. Billy could talk - 'shut the door', 'gis kiss', 'who's a pretty boy' and would do a somersault between your feet if you asked him. He always whistled along to the tune from Z Cars. He thought it great fun to land on your head and abseil down your face, hanging onto a clump of hair. With my dad, he would fasten the other claw round the tip of his nose and tap his beak on his glasses. He was very affectionate and would snuggle up against your face all soft and warm but he could also give you a nasty nip in a tender spot. Here I'm wearing my favourite dress, a bright blue tartan in which I won the school Twist competition (the dance) when I was about 11.

The bewildering - I'd forgotten about this momentous day until I saw the photo. I'd gone to a motorcross with mum and dad but my mind was on other things. I felt confused and anxious, uncertain of a journey into uncharted territory, conscious that one part of my life was ending and another beginning. I didn't feel ready. I think I must have been about 16 (I was a late developer!). Have you guessed yet?

Yup, that was the first day I got the decorators in.

I'm not in the photo, by the way.

counting my blessings

1. being loved by my family
2. my recovering skin - the discoid eczema has practically disappeared along with the itching. Just a couple of coin-shaped smooth pink patches remain on one shoulder blade and a few fading smaller spots here and there. My doctor has prescribed bucket loads of a wonderful oat-based moisturiser called Aveeno (google it - can't be bothered to put in a link!) which I'm supposed to slather on 5 times a day! Apparently DE is the most difficult eczema to treat and requires this level of preventative treatment. Ah well, I shall have skin like a baby's bum by Christmas, pity husband just won't be able to get a grip.
3. British summertime (now there's an oxymoron). Nature called at 4am today, went back to bed then up again at 8 which I thought was a respectable time for tea and tinternet. Except it was 7am. More time to blog - whoopee!
4. it's Sunday so it's Countryfile! Shall wake husband at about 10.40 to give him time to come round before the programme starts. Just love chilling out on the sofas watching C before starting the day in earnest.
5. hopefully a friend is coming round today to chop some of our trees down to a manageable height (before fallen-from-grace-neighbour decides to poison any more of them). The spare wood can then go down to the village green in readiness for bonfire night on the 5th. Hope I remember to take some pictures for the blog.
6. I plan on cooking today. Thud. I have promised him indoors venison casserole. Me and my big mouth.

The best laid plans....

• Never got round to watching Ladies in Lavender, thanks to the computer's siren call, but was disciplined enough to go to bed at 10pm. Was woken up somewhere between 1 and 2am by persistent itching so I applied moisturiser and made myself a cup of tea. I had intended watching LiL but when I turned on the TV there was a subtitled Spanish film on, 'The Sea Inside', which turned out to be mesmerising. (I love foreign films but can't abide dubbed versions. I much prefer to hear the original actors' voices, even if I can't understand everything they're saying.) The actors gave moving performances of the true story of a fisherman who was paralysed from the neck down in a diving accident and who, after spending years dependent on others to take care of him, decided to fight for the right to die. His legal challenge failed but he ended his life by taking cyanide. I went back to bed when the film finished at 3.20.
  
  
• Up itchy again at 6.30, determined to tell my doctor I wanted to come off Prozac because of the side effects. He kindly but firmly advised me against it, explaining that such a course of action could take me right back and possibly to worse than I had been in the past. He was certain that my itchiness and skin problems were not indicative of a drug-related rash but the discoid eczema flaring up again (linked to stress/depression) and has given me another short course of steroid tablets and some heavy duty steroid cream. He has booked me in for a fasting blood test on Friday to check whether there's anything else going on that could cause my tiredness, eg underactive thyroid or anaemia. I rather hope the tests find something that can be treated and cured.
  
  

Called in at work on my way home this morning and relayed above to my lovely sympathetic boss who saw beyond my I'm-ok-just-a-bit-flat facade - I had to admit I did feel quite low. I have decided to take the rest of the week off as I'm too dull-brained and tired to cope with work. LSB has offered to arrange independent counselling for me, I'm tempted.... what do you think? I'm nervous of sharing intimate secrets with a stranger.

Lol, I've just re-read the last bit and realised that's exactly what I've been doing in this blog! Of course, there are some some sensitive issues I don't write about and I suppose those are the things I'm wary of bringing to a counsellor; I've never been keen on worms, in or out of the can.

Prozac - unlucky 13 weeks?

Things are definitely getting worse on the tiredness, eczema and itching front, it's really getting me down. At least my distressed skin was hidden under clothing before, but now the rough patches are spreading, including onto the back of my hands. I can't bear the thought that it might spread to my face - I know, I'm vain. I've checked the extensive side-effects list for Prozac and it includes lethargy, rash, itching and dry mouth (frequent thirstiness is also something new for me that I've noticed recently). I have to go to the surgery this morning to collect my repeat prescription so I'm going to try to book an appointment with a doctor asap to discuss changing to a different anti-depressant.

Here we go again

Woke up itchy in the early hours so got up, applied cream, put washing in the machine, made a cup of tea and let the dog out. She's now busy taking her biscuit for a walk round the house which entails my opening and closing doors and her tap dancing up and down the uncarpeted stairs (still haven't got the hall etc decorated). Currently debating whether to mess around on the computer for a while or watch Ladies in Lavender. What do you think, both?

Well, it's 5 am and the washing machine finished its cycle a few minutes ago, just as I completed work on creating a new ID photograph for work. Never got to watch the film, lol. Think I'll go back to bed now!

Make that 3 steps back

Well, I'm inhabiting a topsy-turvy world at the moment. Intermittently soooo tired during the day that nothing much is getting done, least of all finishing husband's business books that I've been promising to do for weeks. Today I went back to bed after breakfast and was still there when he came home at lunchtime. Eventually got it together to meet him and friends in the pub at tea-time and when we returned home, got stuck into sorting out our entire photo collection that has been all jumbled up for years. I finally got to the end of one of the piles at about 1.40am, long after husband had gone to bed. Attempted to join him but the snoring catapulted me into the spare room. Shortly afterwards, heard him go to the bathroom so sneaked back into our bed but more of the same. Eventually found myself itchy and wide awake so got up, took an anti-histamine, came downstairs and made a cup of tea and here I am, at 3 am, tippy tapping away. Must get back into a sensible routine before work on Monday.

I've decided to let my hair go grey. It has a very fetching silver flash at each temple and under certain lights, is twinkling away at the roots. I rather like grey as a colour, it suits me. Time will tell whether vanity will win the day.

Prozac - 10 weeks - 2 steps forward, 1 step back

Seems like I was a different person at the weekend, as the number of posts then and the lack of them until now, suggests. Then I was buzzing about; yesterday and today I've been so lacking in energy, not exactly tired because I can rise to the occasion when something needs to be done, but during periods of inactivity I could easily fall asleep. Also, it's somewhat irking that having stopped the short course of steroids which did zap the eczema, my skin is itchy again and has flared up in patches. My own fault, I admit, as I grew complacent with the steroid-related improvement and stopped applying the ointment so often. Still, it's not as bad as it sounds - with the help of the super anti-histamine I'm sleeping well and the itching is nowhere near the torment it was.

The WW2 research I did for mum went down well, she has re-read the information a number of times and told me today that she remembered a lot of the people whose names were listed as serving at her old airbase. I'm hoping it brings back new memories as she always says the happiest time of her life was when she was a WAAF. It was shower and hair washing night tonight. I found it quite strange and awkward at first, as an adult you don't expect to see your mother naked, but now I quite like being able to help her in this way. In fact, I feel closest to her when she's resting her hands on my shoulders as I shampoo her hair, her vulnerability and trust is touching. She's like a little bird, at her last weigh-in she was 36kg which I reckon is not much over five and a half stones. Thinking of her like this helps me to find some balance in what has been a difficult relationship with my mother for most of my life.

I'm so excited!

Saw a new doctor this morning, lovely chap, who has filled me with hope for the future. Firstly he reassured me that I would be on Prozac for a year which is good news as I wanted to get really grounded before weaning myself off it again. Then I showed him my eczema patches which have been so troublesome these last few months and told him of the deleterious effect the itching has had on my sleep, also the problem with not being able to slather myself in the rather greasy ointment and moisturiser on a morning in case it seeped through my blouse at work. He has diagnosed nummular or discoid eczema (which I'd never heard of before despite having suffered from eczema since childhood) and given me a week's course of steroid tablets to zap the condition. He's also given me a non-steroidal moisturiser, an antihistamine that will knock me out at night, ointment for my persistent eye infection and antibiotics for my throat/chest infection. My mother moans constantly about having to take 5 tablets on a morning and 2 on a night. Pah. In addition to those mentioned, I am also prescribed medication for asthma, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and fungal toenail (I blame husband's feet straying in the night). Then there's the evening primrose, fish oil and vitamin tablets....shake me and I'll rattle. That's if you can get a grip without my slipping through your fingers. Now I just need to study how each prescription has to be taken and I'm on my way to being a new woman!

Prozac - a patchy 7th week

I've noticed something odd this week, the Prozac seems to work when I really need it to but doesn't maintain a constant effect. For example, at a Sunday lunch with friends I found myself unusually chatty and sparky when first meeting up, making a special effort with folks I didn't know so well, then ran out of steam by dessert and felt ready for bed by early evening. It's the same at work; the brain copes admirably with the daily mental and practical tasks (ok, we'll ignore the tedious 3 hour meeting I nearly fell asleep in several times) but as soon as I reach the end of my list of things to do, it's as though someone has pulled the plug and I grind to a halt. I could just go to sleep now and may have to catch a quick nap soon as it's going-to-the-pictures-with-best-friend-night. On top of that, the reduction in stress levels still doesn't seem to have brought about an improvement to my skin, if anything the eczema is even worse. Thank goodness it's mostly out of sight. Have started taking a multi-vitamin tablet to see if that helps.

Tempting fate

Knew I shouldn't have mentioned improved sleep. 11pm bed. Fidget. Itch. Use relaxation technique. Settle. Itch. Slumber. Itch itch itch. Consider getting up to take my mind off it. Dog scratches at door. Get up and find it's after 2am. Make nettle and blackcurrant tea. Seek out blogs by other eczema sufferers. Surf the net. 3.26am and still not really comfortable. Resolve to discuss problem with doctor when I go to renew the Prozac in a couple of weeks' time. The computers at work are going off for 3 hours today, think I'll pop home for a power nap between 12 and 2 - at least I can make a dent in the 11 hours plus lieu time I'm owed!

On reflection.....

.....I could live with the new me. I'm sleeping much better and as a bonus I'm dreaming again. I suppose I should say I'm remembering dreams again as I may have been dreaming before the medication, but wasn't aware of it. However, I suspect that my quantity and quality of sleep was so poor, I didn't get any REM action. I'm definitely losing my stress head, little things like not being super sensitive to the way someone puts down a cup or clears their throat from which I used to determine what kind of mood they were in; finding mum's little digs at me wryly amusing rather than intensely annoying; not being defeated by the thought of all the housework I need to do but just getting on with it a task at a time and finding it easier to make potentially unpopular decisions like escaping from mum's when I'm ready instead of trying to guess when she'll be OK with it. The odd thing is that given I'm so much more relaxed than I've been in years, I don't understand why my eczema is still so bad; I thought that being stress-related, it would clear up as the Prozac took effect. If I could sort out my skin, I could lose the itching and life would be sooooooooooooooooooo much better!

and tired out Tuesday

Elderly dog woke me up at 3, bloody itching kept me up till 4, fell back to sleep after the 7.30 alarm and didn't surface until 9 so for the second day running I didn't get to work until 10. Thank goodness for lieu time. Sooooo thick brained today, it's been really heavy going and I still feel 'flat'. Have taken an anti-histamine and some herbal sleep tablets so am hoping for a good night. Good night x

Those of a delicate disposition, look away now

Well that'll serve me right for being so optimistic yesterday. Last night I couldn't get to sleep for ages because the blasted itching was back, driving me demented. It was like having little devils in nettle boots scampering from one site to another, occasionally tormenting me with a minute or two of comfort before starting up all over again. Nothing I did seemed to ease it and I'm still uncomfortable today, I scratched some areas so much. I wish I knew what sets it off.

Diagnosis

Went to the doctor's again tonight and saw a different GP. I went intending to get something else for my eye infection (last lot of antibiotic drops didn't work) and insomnia (neither did the temazepam) but found myself unexpectedly welling up and unable to speak when the doctor asked me what I thought was causing my sleep problems. He listened sympathetically while I gave him a rough idea of the stresses I've been under lately and how it was affecting my daily life, then gave me a questionnaire to complete and concluded that I was mildly depressed. He has prescribed Prozac. I know it will take a while to have an effect but am hoping that it will reduce my stress levels to the point where I won't be waking up at daft o'clock every night with this bloody unbearable itching. I'm also hoping that I won't suffer from any of the possible nasty side effects of which there is an alarmingly extensive list, although it does include reduced appetite and weight loss, which would be a bonus! First day back at work today, well yesterday since it's now after two in the morning, and I found it hard going, especially on the concentration front. Don't expect it will be any better tomorrow.

Warning - whinge alert

Still having trouble sleeping, sometimes it's difficult to get off to sleep - all it takes is for the air to hit my skin and immediately the itching starts, even if I've taken anti-histamines, or my brain won't switch off and sometimes I fall asleep easily but wake in the early hours and am too restless to go back over. I finally told my GP about it and she gave me a week's supply of temazepam to try to get back into sleeping through the night but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I am so exhausted and feeling low. Went to see Mama Mia tonight with friends and enjoyed the film but at the end when everyone else was dancing and singing I could just as easily have cried. My friend thinks I might be depressed and suggested I talk to my doctor again but I'm afraid I'll just sound like a hypochondriac. I suspect the main cause for all the gloom is the never-ending mothersitting - I've been on leave for the past two weeks and been round loads of times for the groundhog day experience of pointless excursions and complaints. I seem to have lost the art of relaxing and feel like I ought to be doing something useful all the time. It's 1.15 am, I've lit the candles in the back room, re-arranged the photos and repositioned the music system and am hoping that messing about on the computer will tire me out enough to go back to sleep soon. I've also poured myself a brandy so may conk out mid sentence when it hits the temazepam. Chance would be a fine thing.