Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you.....

....Beloved son in his new mum-made Christmas jumper!

The Daft O'Clock Chronicles, continued

Well here I am again, pounding the keys at nearly 2am, more because I don't want to go to bed than because I want to blog. I'm living a double life at the moment super-efficient, upbeat, unfaseable (is that how you spell it?) at work; distracted, obsessive, procrastinatory (!) at home. And when I'm not busy with some totally absorbing activity like knitting or xmas shopping (think I finished it today!) or playing Farmville (I know, sad), I'm sleeping for England (but not going to bed until I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open any more). Anything to keep the sticky footed 'you put your mother in a home' devil on my shoulder from catching my attention.

Went to see mum on Wednesday - she wasn't in too bad a mood but still time travelling, mostly rooted in the past with long-gone relatives but occasionally visiting the present for brief moments. She introduced me to the other residents in the lounge as her sister yet she knows my name. I suppose its pointless trying to understand what's going on in her head, its probably as much of mystery to mum as it is to me. However, 'The 36 Hour Day' book has arrived so I'm hoping it will shed some light on the subject and give me some useful coping skills.

Tomorrow, sorry - today, the plan is to tidy up the house and get the christmas tree and decorations down from the loft. That's the plan ....

the post I wrote on Saturday

I phoned mum's nurse on Friday morning to express my concerns. She assured me that mum was taking most of her medication and getting a good night's sleep. She had refused painkillers and the anti-nausea tablet which explains why she told me she was feeling sickly on Thursday. It seems likely that the cause of her 'exhaustion' was joining in the painting activities, making Halloween decorations. However, her food and drink intake is a major concern so the nurse will be calling in the dietician. She thinks mum needs lots of TLC to settle into the home so has asked the carers to spend as much time as possible with her. I hope it has an effect.

I was up early this morning but went back to bed after an hour or so and didn't get up again until after 4pm! I needed the rest and as a result have nearly finished Mr Lily's books! Just a little tweaking tomorrow and they're ready for the accountant.

I have ripped the multi-coloured mohair circular cardigan I was knitting. I was frogging as much as I knitted, such was my inability to concentrate over the last few months, and I decided I didn't like it after all. I think I'll start on a jumper for my son next, hopefully in time for Christmas, or if not, in time for his birthday in February.

Other stuff

I wonder how many people coping with depression find an affinity with knitting? I've just read Franklin's latest post and realised that he and I are in the same leaky boat (although his paddling skills are far superior to mine!). When stressed and trying to clear my mind of worries, concentrating on a project soothes me. Searching for beautiful yarns is a real pleasure and finding the perfect pattern brings small, perfectly formed moments of calm. Knitting is such an accurate emotional barometer too. I know when I'm super stressed because I get a bit OCD about it, when I'm really struggling the frogging rate triples.

I indulged in some retail therapy yesterday with a good friend who's also on sick leave at the moment. I found this wonderful bargain (£10) in a charity shop, it weighs a ton!:I've given it a clean but it could do with a proper going over. Today I plan to buy more brass polish and some new heads for my electric toothbrush - a combination of the two should get into all those little crook and nannies!

distracted

I love to knit but attempting anything new, however straightforward, is liable to involve repeated frogging with my mind in its current turmoil. Currently I'm working on Kia Kia but have unravelled back to the hem at least twice now. The first time I failed to notice I'd one stitch too many (should have been 400!) so the pattern wasn't working out right, then I realised I was knitting in the wrong direction and discovered I'd backtracked when picking up and knitting from the hem. Its not easy frogging mohair! Right now, I'm here again:

Saturday

Lovely daughter and I visit mum, greeted by a tetchy "I hope you've come to take me home." Repeat of yesterday's vitriol and confusion. She tells me I'm hard as nails, that I don't listen to her and am just a parrot for explaining over and over again why she is in hospital and can't go home yet.

New bones of contention - I've brainwashed both my children, she can't believe how cunning I've been to manoeuvre her into this place - she thought I was taking her shopping (in bare feet and a nightie?), she's in pain and they won't give her any pain relief, they dragged her out of bed and made her sit in a chair because they want the beds to look tidy. She can't eat or drink, she's so worried; she'll die in this place. Where do you think you are? I ask. "You know where I am!" Where do you think you are? "An old folks' home!" Again I show her the hospital brochure. She says she must be in a special annexe where old people no-one cares about are left to die. She compares herself unfavourably with other patients who get visitors. (We don't count, apparently.) LD and I give up after 20 minutes and leave.

I speak to one of mum's named nurses. She tells me that apart from mentioning the 'conspiracy' last night, she's doing fine - she's eating and drinking, has been given stronger painkillers and can walk with support! She's hooked up to a 24 hour heart monitor at the moment. The results should be through Monday/Tuesday. I am close to tears when we leave. *LD promises to come with me again on Sunday. I am so grateful - I dread facing mum on my own. Shattered, I go to bed 'for an hour' early evening and don't wake up until midnight.

* Other good things about today:

• I call into our local Boyes to see whether the wool I ordered for a bedspread I intend knitting in time for LD's 30th birthday (I have 28 months to do it in!) has arrived - I already have 4 x 400 gram skeins but need another 4. Another store has 4 and will send them over. I manage to get into my online Ravelry stash on my mobile and discover that the yarn I already have and the yarn on order are from the same dye lot!
• We are getting closer to finishing the kitchen. The redecorating is all done and the appliances and furniture back in, we just have to finish sorting through and returning the stuff that came out of it, hopefully binning/recycling a good portion to reduce clutter. I'll post before and after pictures when we're put to rights.

Not a great day

Shattered, eyes sore, skin sensitive (keep having to tie my hair back because its really itching my face and neck). Mum phoned me at work about 1.30pm, wanting me to go straight round to switch her central heating off - "well you're no good" when I said I couldn't. She also muttered something about "something funny going on", so Mr Hyde may be making an appearance tomorrow. Too tired to meet Mr Lily and friends at the pub, struggled on with current knitting project then decided it wasn't going to work so that's several weeks, a completed back and three quarters of a front down the pan. The entire contents of the kitchen are still piled up in the back room, most of them out of reach. Still, the new kitchen's looking quite good, just the floor to do now I think, should be finished by Tuesday night. Morrisons tomorrow. Urrgh.

Ok, I owe you a chuckle. Here's two from this week at work.......
As I threw my things into the boot of my car after work, I didn't realise until I'd shut the boot that I'd also thrown in my car keys. Had to phone Mr Lily and ask him to bring the spare keys. Spent the next couple of days being reminded by colleagues to open the car doors first.
As I left work one lunchtime, having walked past several people, I was shouted back by an aghast colleague who informed me that I had a length of toilet roll hanging out the back of my trousers. Sigh. Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh.......

knOCD up

These are the knitting projects currently waiting in line (for which all the yarn and patterns have already been acquired!)...

1. cotton summer top for me from recycled yarn (half completed)
2. lacy summer mohair cardigan for me
3. warm jumper for beloved son
4. warm cardigan for me
5. autumnal mohair jumper for me
6. old-fashioned bedspread for lovely daughter (to be completed in time for her 30th birthday in December 2011!)

Do I have a problem?!

...and now for something completely different...

...the brilliant blocking board that Mr Lily helped me make! He glued cork floor tiles onto a piece of hardboard for a base that would grip pins stuck in it, then I pegged a bath sheet to it to act as a wick and on top of that, a blocking cloth I found on eBay - it has 2-centimetre squares on one side and inch squares on the other.





The pegs are really magnetic clips, probably for use on fridges as note holders, but they have a strong grip and with the magnet right side up, make perfect little pin tidies while blocking the knitted pieces.


I haven't tried it out yet (tum, te-tum tum TUUUUUMMMMM)

Yarntastic Wednesday in Whitby

Despite mum's early morning call requesting my attendance to 'discuss something important' (politely declined - I'm going tomorrow, as arranged) and the constant rain that turned my straight hair curly (not a bad thing!), Mr Lily and I had a lovely day today. We went to Whitby and first visited an old friend on the headland, then we had fish and chips and a mooch around the old town and I bought 6 skeins of this gorgeous yarn:
and 6 skeins of this even more fabulous yarn:
(click on the photos to see the Colinette hand painted mohair in all its sumptuous glory!) from the old church craft market on the way up to the Abbey and I bought two pairs of Swiss Army tweezers (better than any others) and a quarter of Poor Ben aniseed and licorice sweets. Then we met up with another old friend (who has just started doing Ghost Walks for the tourists in Whitby) and bought some scrumptious home made chocolates from here (after nipping upstairs to see the owner's new tropical fish), followed by a coffee in a cafe and I had another look round the shops while Mr Lily and friend #2 had a pint. Then we drove to Ruswarp to see two more friends and their lovely lurcher before heading for home. I even had a pleasant 'conversation' with mum when I got back (her neighbour had left a message on our answerphone asking me to get in touch). It doesn't get much better than this!

I knit big stuff too!

My garter has just been favourited on Ravelry! I must be a real knitter!!

LVIII

Not too bad a birthday weekend, all considered. Pub after work to meet Mr Lily and friends, quite happy to sit knitting on my own on comfortable seat inside while t'others puffed and shivered on the benches outside. Pleasant meal, baled out after a couple of hours - still a long way from party animal mode. Lovely daughter persuaded me to open some of her presents to me, excellent thoughtful choices.

Saturday shopping with mum. I don't need to say anything here, do I? Not a peep from her re the big event on Sunday. Escaped earlier than usual for a bit of (unsuccessful) retail therapy before going out for gorgeous meal with friends (and another birthday celebrant) at a local Indian restaurant. Husband fesses up over the 'buying my present' farce...he'd bought me a silver love knot necklace but when he showed it to lovely daughter she informed him he'd bought me the same necklace last year. No, says he, yes says she, furnishing the evidence. Its a different knot says he. It wasn't. Daughter took necklace back to shop. Funny thing though, before hearing the story, I chose that very necklace to wear to the birthday meal!

Sunday. Lovely lazy day. Opened the rest of my presents. Knitted a lot. Watched TV. Annointed sparkling tresses with the fountain of youth otherwise known as Clairol Nice'N'Easy. Beloved son (loved up in Bournemouth) phones to wish me happy birthday and says he phoned granny but she couldn't hear him. However, she did have a moan about my 'whisking him away' when he last visited. He promised to write to her and explain he had to catch a train, he's also going to suggest she give the amplified phone another go. Put glad rags on and sat (knitting) outside local hostelry with friends in the sunshine, keeping a wary eye on the thunder clouds blowing in all around us. Went for a late traditional Sunday lunch at a country pub, delicious. Home and mum phoned to wish me happy birthday (I got the distinct impression she'd only just remembered) and to have a little moan.

Should have taken the car in for a service this morning and had the rest of the day off. Cancelled service as running late and couldn't be bothered and anyway I wanted to knit, I'm just at a tricky bit, trying to add lettering to a baby's jumper. Tidied up the front room. Went into work this afternoon to finish reports for a meeting I won't be at tomorrow because I'm having Tuesday off too - more knitting and tidying and taking mum for her B12 jab.

Apologies if that was really boring but one day, when my last marble rolls down the drain, I might need to know what I was doing when my brain cells were still functioning. Just.

oh-oh

There's something definitely not right with me. I tried to get on with Mr Lily's business books early this afternoon but within minutes my brain was whimpering 'I can't do it, its too hard, I'm closing down'; exhaustion and anxiety drove me to my bed around 1pm. I slept and slept until 9pm. I feel restless and like last night and the night before, I'm putting off going to bed until I'm so tired that I can't keep my eyes open any longer. The house is a tip but I can't be bothered to tidy up, I just want to knit. Knit and sleep.

Maybe I'm wrong to blame the usual suspect, but it doesn't help that without fail, no matter how well the day has gone with mum, when she sees me getting ready to leave she always, always, starts on the 'I shouldn't be living alone, its too much for me, its the loneliness that's the worst' (if you were a good daughter you would be taking me in to live with you) guilt trip that sits on my shoulder all the way home and for ages afterwards until topped up at the next visit. Sometimes I even think I should try it and then I imagine all the things she would find fault with and having to play piggy in the middle between her and my husband and I just can't face it. Maybe I will try a counsellor but when would I have the time to go?

I've finished mum's cardigan!!!

In the middle is a pretty accurate representation of the colour and texture of the yarn used.

Sorry about the rather poor (mobile) photos of the cardigan which is actually rather lovely, very spring-like and very soft and cosy. It also fits mum like a glove and she says she likes it!

If you click on the photos you'll be able to see my handiwork in much more detail (and mum's threadbare carpet...that's another story altogether).

how it is

I'm still tired, more so maybe. This morning I thought "5 more minutes" after Mr Lily got up for work and woke up two hours later. I was half an hour late for work. The woman with whom (!) I share an office seemed to be talking uncomfortably loudly today, unusual for her. I can't get out of second gear at work. All I want to do is knit. My mother is losing no opportunity to drop heavy hints about no-one caring/shouldn't be living alone and is clearly aggrieved when I fail to take the bait. I'm feeling powerless in the face of her dissatisfaction.

I think my underlying depression is cranking up a notch.

what I should be doing..

... is my husband's books. (Are mh'sb?)

What I am doing is ... flipping between mh'sb and Ravelry (depending on where Mr Lily is at any given time) - setting up my own site (lilyhasanothergo). Its still a work in progress but it will save the non-knitters among you having to wade through my humble efforts on here. Say thank you, Lily. You're welcome.

and grrrrrrrr.........

Last night, after returning from the pub considerably later than I, Mr Lily asked me where the boxed new phone under the coffee table had come from. I started telling him the story of mum's amplified phone but three sentences in, he dialled a number on his mobile and started having a conversation with his friend, telling me to "go on" at the same time! "Fuck you!" says I ( most unusual for me) and went to bed in the spare room.

Dog got me up at 6 this morning so I made a cup of tea and continued working on Mr Lily's cardigan. I spent an hour sewing the button band to the side seam before I realised my mistake and had to start again. Now its ten to ten and I'm sitting here in my dressing gown with wet hair trying to motivate myself to get ready to go to mum's. I hate Saturdays.

current knitting projects

The prototype:

Not the best of photos but you get the idea. I'm rather proud of my first attempt at knitting after a quarter of a century and I did receive lots of compliments when I wore it to work this week but....I made a few significant mistakes so won't be wearing it again (I'm now knitting 'raspberry waistcoat - the sequel). Things I have learned:

1. Don't underestimate the size of your bosom - the sequel is a size larger.


2. Don't cast on/off too tightly in rib, I've now learned a great 2-fingered method (steady now) which gives a neat and stretchy edge.


3. NEVER press acrylic yarn, no matter how low the iron temperature and the use of a proper ironing sheet between iron and fabric. The sequel's patterns will not be flattened.


4. Leave plenty of yarn at joins, it will be easier to weave invisibly into the finished seams.


5. NEVER knit when you're tired.

I also have 'on the needle' a cardigan for my husband which I'm knitting on needles half a size larger to scale up the pattern for his humungous chest. Hopefully, it will look like this:

the back so far--->

oh dear

I am obsessed by knitting. Its all I want to do. I take it with me to work for the lunch hour, to the pub on a Friday night and to my mother's every time I go. I even get up early on a Sunday morning when everyone else is asleep so I can knit in peace and surf the net for patterns. I have only to sew up the side seams of the waistcoat and add the buttons and its done but I'm already anxious about the possibility of having nothing else to knit after it. I have ordered the wool for the next project from ebay - a (very large) cardigan for him indoors and am looking for patterns for a hoodie for my son and a cardigan for my mum (although she probably wouldn't wear it). I now see why seasoned knitters talk of having several projects 'on the needle' at once - its an addiction! Here's a short film about me......