Lily has another go

meh

2012-01-27T09:22:00.000Z

Is it really only 11 weeks since mum died? Feels like 11 months. I'd say I'm all over it now but maybe not. I suspect that the stress of the months leading up to mum's death has finally caught up with me. I am feeling quite low but I'm attributing that to lack of sleep - for weeks and weeks the old nettle devils problem has been waking me up constantly, gradually zombie-fying me. I've tried a variety of anti-histamines and moisturisers (made me itch more) but it wasn't until I slathered myself in steroid ointment and took a double dose of doze-inducing anti-histamines two days ago that relief finally came. I'm hoping things will improve from now because I'm really struggling at work, not only lacking the energy to get through the day but also having lost all enthusiasm for the job. I'd retire today if I could afford it.

2011-11-11T01:09:00.000Z

waiting

2011-11-09T02:49:00.000Z

Mum hasn't eaten for a week or two, hasn't drank for 5 days. When weighed a couple of weeks ago she was 4 stone 9 pounds (65 pounds) but will be a lot less now. She's permanently bedridden and mostly asleep, a bundle of skin and bone. Now and then she makes a little "ooh" noise and shifts her limbs slightly, once in a while she opens her sunken eyes but they stare blankly and briefly ahead before closing again. She was 92 on Sunday, I don't think my "Happy Birthday Mum!" registered at all. The doctor has prescribed Oromorph to reduce pain/agitation. Mum lies on an air mattress and the care home staff turn her every 4 hours to reduce the chance of pressure sores but she is starting to get red patches on the boniest parts of her body. I've been advised that the end is probably days rather than weeks away, everyone is amazed at what a tough old bird she is. Surprising how exhausting waiting for the inevitable is. I wake up in the early hours most nights and am dragging myself through the day at work, mobile always in reach in case the home calls and says its time to say goodbye. I wish it were over.

knitaholic

2011-10-09T13:57:00.001+01:00

Now that I'm going to be a grandma (next April), I've been inspired to finish Mr Lily's tank top and my winter cardigan, to clear the decks for baby clothes. As usual, all I want to do is surf free knitting pattern sites and get those needles clicking, housework can go hang. It helps to keep occupied - mum is not well at all, she still hasn't regained her speech or full mobility on her right side so I'm sure she had a stroke after that fall. She sleeps and moans a lot, as though she's in pain, but spits out her medication - even the liquid painkiller. She hasn't eaten for a couple of days and if she doesn't pick up today the home will call the doctor out on Monday to see whether s/he thinks the End of Life protocol should be put in place, with MacMillan nurse care, etc.

what do you think of it so far?

2011-09-17T10:33:00.000+01:00

my home made aphasia communication chart -

sorted

2011-09-09T18:47:00.000+01:00

The doctor has been out to see mum and has agreed that she should not go through that awful hospital experience again. He has told the care home staff that unless she has broken bones or is bleeding badly, they should just put her to bed when poorly and send for the doctor. Hope it works.

Does anyone know of a visual aid for those who can't speak, to express their needs like hunger, tired, in pain etc? I did see one picture book on the net but it was about £45!

the sparrow has landed

2011-09-05T22:21:00.000+01:00

Mum arrived back at the care home this afternoon, the hospital did not discharge her with a diagnosis or any test results. The care home staff said she was starving and munched her way through lots of food on her arrival - no difficulty with swallowing at all! When my daughter and I went to see her tonight, she had another sandwich, a biscuit and a few sips of tea. She still can't talk but seemed happy to be back in familiar surroundings. Surprisingly she wasn't resting in bed after her ordeal - staff said she kept trying to get out so they put her in the lounge with the other residents where she enjoyed the company. Her eyes are still a little hooded and her right side is still weak, she has limited use of her right arm and hand, but hopefully will improve with time. Altogether, she looked much better than I'd expected. So glad we got her out of hospital before she starved to death!

there's reasonable treatment and there's unreasonable treatment....

2011-09-04T20:56:00.001+01:00

Went to see mum this afternoon. The back of her left hand is black and blue where the first cannula was. Apparently it stopped working so they removed it and tried to insert a cannula in the back of her right hand, now also black and blue, but failed. The new cannula is in her right arm. I can only imagine mum's pain and distress as all this was going on. They're planning to give her a third brain scan but will sedate her completely beforehand to make sure she doesn't move - I can't help thinking the anaesthetic might finish her off. I don't understand why they're persisting with these procedures. We were told on Friday night that although there's a 4 hour window to give a blood clot busting injection to potential stroke victims, mum wouldn't be getting one because of her age. So why pursue the brain scan - there's probably nothing they could or would do if they did find a bleed.

Mum still can't talk, she mutters as though her jaws are stuck together but some of the old mum has returned - you should have seen the dismissive wave of the hand accompanying one 'sentence', directed at the nurse who had been talking to us! Probably a good job she can't be understood at present. I got her to take a few tiny sips of chocolate mousse - the nurses were surprised and said that was more than they had managed, they can't have tried very hard. I just don't think she's getting the quality of care in hospital that she would have in the home, can't wait to get her back there. I have to phone the hospital tomorrow afternoon to find out what the consultant has decided.

as one door closes......

2011-09-04T09:17:00.004+01:00

Mum was admitted to hospital on Friday. I got there at 7pm, about three quarters of an hour after her, my daughter arrived at about 8.30pm and we stayed with mum until around 2am. During all that time we gave umpteen different health professionals the same medical background history but not one of them passed it on to the next. Nor did anyone check mum's records on the computer but asked us for details that we couldn't provide, such as what type of dementia mum has (no-one has ever told us) and what side of her body was affected after her stroke in December 2007 (can't remember!). Poor mum had to endure lots of manhandling which was often painful. The worst was when she had to be sedated because she wouldn't keep still for the brain scan to check for a bleed in the brain, the doctor fetched my daughter and I to keep her calm while they fitted a cannula in her hand, we had to hold her arms down while they did it and mum was crying out and clawing at us, trying to push us away the whole time. So upsetting. In the end, I had to don a lead apron and stay with her during the scan but still couldn't keep her from moving now and then, with the result that the scans weren't very clear and she had to go through it all again the next day. The clincher was the last doctor she saw in the early hours of the morning, a sadist who insisted on banging away at her limbs with a stick to test her reflexes as she fought back at him, clearly in pain. He did not seem to be willing to accept that mum had probably had another stroke, despite all the supporting evidence, and wanted to go down the infection route, subjecting her to a blood test there and then.
This is an extract from the information sheet I gave the ward sister yesterday:
______________

Medical History
TB during WW2, currently diagnosed with angina, high blood pressure, heart murmur, pernicious anaemia, osteoporosis and dementia. Also very deaf.
In the last 12 years, falls have resulted in a crushed vertebra, dislocated shoulder, chipped shoulder bone and a broken wrist.
(List of hospital admissions)

Prior to the fall at 5.15pm on 2 September 2011 (another care home resident knocked mum’s chair over and she hit her head on a radiator), mum was eating well with encouragement, she could grip and lift a cup of tea in her right hand, she could stand and walk if supported on both sides, she was alert and her speech was clear. Within an hour of the fall, she had lost the use of her right arm and leg, she was unable to form recognisable words, she was drooling and seemed less aware of her surroundings.

I have completed an end of life form for the care home, requesting that if mum’s heart stopped, she would not be resuscitated. I have said that I would like her to have life prolonging treatment to make her comfortable in her last days, eg oxygen, but nothing invasive which could distress her, such as an intravenous drip. I am concerned that her current stay in hospital is going against the spirit of this plan. In the 8 hours following her arrival in A & E, she had numerous physical examinations which confused and often caused her discomfort, she had a cannula fitted to administer a sedative prior to a brain scan which clearly hurt and frightened her and she had to be restrained on a number of occasions for these procedures to be carried out. Mum’s dementia and deafness means she does not understand what is happening and this is upsetting, both for her and for us, her family. I am worried that if she remains in hospital for any length of time, she will not only be subject to further discomfort but will also fail to recognise the staff and surroundings if and when returned to the care home. This is mum’s 92^nd year. She is very frail and, being realistic, may not have much longer to live. I would prefer her to pass away in her own familiar room at the care home in the company of staff who have cared for her well with real affection for the last 2 years, rather than risk her dying in hospital, among strangers.
_______________

I was told that the End of Life agreement with the care home carried no weight with the hospital but that the consultant had stipulated no resuscitation, so at least that's in place. However, if I don't want mum to have to go through all the invasive procedures again, I will have to arrange a meeting between the family, the care home and mum's GP to draw up an agreement to that effect. Apparently, if mum is admitted to A & E on a future occasion, she will automatically face the same tests and be admitted to a ward - hospital policy.

My daughter and I visited mum yesterday afternoon. She seemed please to see us but was clearly exhausted. She is hooked up to a drip for fluids as she can't swallow very well and still can't speak. In fact her speech has deteriorated, she was trying to form words on Friday but yesterday a weak semi-mutter was all she could manage and not very often. Staff on the ward know my feelings about invasive treatment so hopefully they will not attempt to fit a nasal tube if they can't get mum to eat anything. She managed only a few teaspoons of thickened juice yesterday but we told the nurse she loves chocolate and bananas so they're going to try her with flavoured mousses. The earliest we'll know whether mum can go back to the care home will be Monday, when the consultant does his rounds. The home is keen to have her back and can offer any nursing care that she needs.

As we waited in a side room in the early hours, lovely daughter said "do you want to see something to cheer you up?" and handed me her mobile phone. This is the picture she showed me:

I'm going to be a granny!

Home

2011-07-26T22:39:00.003+01:00

Its taken me a while to get to the point where I could write about losing my lovely little dog Kish. Guilt and grief are powerful silencers. For quite a while before now, possibly even a year, she was rarely able to last the day without needing the loo. As Mr Lily and I were both out at work, it meant we'd often come home to puddles or poops in the kitchen where we'd moved her bed for ease of cleaning up. Even though I'd spread puppy training mats all over the floor, sometimes she'd managed to miss them or paddle in her accidents, leaving huge areas to clean. Unfortunately I was usually the second one home at night, almost always to be greeted by an extremely pissed off husband who'd had to deal with the mess, not a task with which he coped well. He constantly insisted it was time she was "put down" but I ignored him, reasoning that at her age (16) it wasn't surprising that she couldn't hold it in all day - we couldn't - and in other respects she was fine, eating and drinking normally, enjoying pottering around the house and garden, not in any obvious pain although a little stiff in her back legs and lately had often to be helped out of her bed. I loved my hairy little daughter and wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Three Fridays ago I drove home from work. At the corner of our village I stopped to speak to Mr Lily who was waiting for a lift to the pub. He said Kish had weed and he hadn't had time to clean it up so had just put an absorbant mat over the puddle. I carried on home. I'll never forget the sight that greeted me when I opened the kitchen door. Kish was on her side on the floor, thrashing about in her own shit, panting, panicking, desperate to stand up but unable to get to her feet. The mess was smeared all over the floor and her and when she turned her head to look up at me as I entered the room her big brown frightened eyes pleaded "help me!" I managed to get her up, covering my hands in poo in the process and put her outside while I cleaned up the kitchen floor. (I never minded cleaning up after Kish - I'm blessed with a poor sense of smell.) Then I took umpteen anti-bacterial wipes and did the best I could to clean her up. I couldn't have bathed her - the last time we tried that she had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, I didn't want to distress her further. This is Kish just after the clean up, you can see how wobbly she had become.....

That Friday was when I realised it was time to let her go. It would have been cruel to put her at risk of another episode like that - what if she were left floundering from the morning onward? No, unthinkable, watching the video I'd taken on my mobile I could see she was a tired old girl. I phoned the vet and booked her in for the following day - having made the decision, I didn't want to delay. I phoned lovely daughter and she came straight over, bless her - much as she loved Kish she supported me in my awful decision and promised to come with me to the vet's the next morning, cancelling other arrangements that she'd made.

I was up at 5.30am the next day, couldn't sleep and wanted to spend as much time with Kish as possible before going to the vet's at lunchtime. I brushed and brushed her to get rid of all the grey tufty moulting hair so she looked sleek and pretty. I talked to her and stroked and cuddled her and LD put her coat on her to keep her warm....

For the first time ever, Kish was calm at the vet's. No longer scrabbling and pulling on the lead to get out of there as fast as possible, she lay quietly in lovely daughter's arms and while standing on the table, buried her nose in my neck for ages while we talked to the vet. They decided against shaving a patch on her leg as the poor old girl was covered in lumps, so gave the injection without fuss. Kish just glanced at the vet then turned back to me, we kept eye contact until her head drooped and she gradually slipped away. It took me a long time and a lot of tears before I was ready to leave her. I cried and cried all weekend and on and off the following week. Getting up on a morning and coming home at night to a Kish-free house was awful, so empty, so soul-less. I started to question whether I'd acted too soon and wished I could turn back time and have her with me just a little longer.

Kish came home this Tuesday. We had her cremated on her own and have put her casket on the mantelpiece next to a photo of her as a beautiful young dog, decorated by her name tag and a taffeta bag containing a few tufts of her hair. I have kept her original adoption papers, collars, halti, harness and frisbee - I couldn't part with all her stuff, seemed so callous. I took her in the kitchen with me last night while I did the washing up and found myself crying while I talked to her about what had happened and how much I loved her. Cracking up, obviously. Here's a few photos of Kish throughout her long life with us, that's my foot she's cuddling in the last one.

Those of a nervous disposition look away now......

2011-07-11T23:02:00.000+01:00

This is a true story. It happened to me today and yet I still don't know quite how it happened. Anyway, this morning I had to go to a meeting in another workplace. You should know that my job requires me to wear a lanyard round my neck with my office swipe card, door key and ID photo hanging off the bottom of it. Before I went into the meeting, I went to the loo to spend a penny. An hour later, I spent another penny before the long walk back to the car, along many a corridor and past many people, mostly male. As I got into the car, something caught my eye on the end of the lanyard. There, stuck firmly to the swipe card was a panty liner. Not just any panty liner, but the very one that just over an hour previously had been stuck equally firmly (or so I thought) to my pants. Now what I want to know is:

on which trip to the loo did the transfer take place and how?
did anyone notice but feel too embarrassed to tell me?

"WOLF!" ?

2011-07-10T10:53:00.000+01:00

The care home rang again this Friday to say they'd insisted the doctor came out to mum because she seemed to have a very bad chest infection and they wanted to be sure it wasn't pneumonia. It wasn't, but it was sad to hear that mum didn't recognise/remember her all time favourite doctor when she visited her. I was expecting to find an even frailer mum when lovely daughter and I went to see her yesterday but amazingly she was in the lounge, quite alert, making comments and responding to us and her cough was only intermittent! She wouldn't drink much of her build-up milkshake (nor would the other residents) but when weighed was 35 kilos, which is not bad going for mum - she did get down to 32 at one point (77 and 70.4 pounds/5 stones 7 pounds and 5 stones and almost half a pound).

Oh bugger, I've just sprinkled ground coriander on Mr Lily's porridge instead of cinnamon :-( Its a sign that I should stop blogging lol

feeling my age

2011-07-06T09:37:00.000+01:00

Had a great 60th party, now back to reality. Last Friday the care home rang to say that they'd called the doctor out to mum because they didn't think she'd been herself all week. The doctor told them to let the family know that mum was in the "final stages of dementia". I was on my way home from work when they rang so of course thought of lots of questions after the phone call, especially after I'd looked it up on the net and seen all the horror stories about the final stages. Lovely daughter and I went over the same night and had a long talk with the staff. They couldn't give me any timescales but said that the doctor had stopped all mum's medication apart from aspirin because at 91, she'd "had a good innings"- its a blessing I suppose as getting her to take all her tablets has always been a struggle. She sleeps a lot, doesn't have the balance to walk unaided and isn't drinking enough, although she has good days with her eating. Mum was already in bed when we went at 6.30pm so we returned on Saturday morning. She doesn't initiate conversations any more and although she responds when you talk (very loudly) to her, half the time its clear she hasn't heard or understood you. She seems lost in a world of her own most of the time and sometimes says she wishes she were going home, which I think is probably her childhood home. I filled in an end of life form again, confirming that I didn't want mum to be taken to hospital but treated at the care home if ill, didn't want her resuscitating if her heart stopped but did want her to receive non-invasive life prolonging treatment to make her comfortable, like oxygen or antibiotics. I even phoned the travel insurance people to check we were covered if we had to cancel our holiday at the beginning of August (we are). Am I awful to hope things don't drag on too long?

I'm off work this morning, which is just as well. Had a chewy day at work yesterday - someone kicked off and threw a chair across the room, I wasn't under threat but it had an impact. I've felt exhausted and down ever since. Beginning to think I'm too old for this job.

I'm almost a sexagenarian!

2011-06-12T10:28:00.001+01:00

I shall be 60 on Tuesday, a depressing prospect made slightly better by kidding myself that I shall then be a sexygenarian, oh yes I will! Beloved son has come up to spend the whole week with us, a huge treat, and him indoors and lovely daughter are busy organising my 'surprise' party for next Saturday - a humungous affair of which I am supposed to be ignorant but actually know just about everything, given HI's total inability to keep secrets. I'm not so worried about BS now, he's still deeply committed to exposing political conspiracies and cover-ups but seems in good spirits and has just been invited to submit an article to a prestigious website, which hopefully will lead to better things.

A friend and I visited a 'psychic' the other week. I thought the readings were 50% bullshit - character descriptions that could have applied to anyone, 'spirits' with very common names getting in touch and some stuff that was just plain wrong. Also, when my friend and I got together afterwards, we discovered that half of what had been said was the same for both of us! However, the psychic lady did pull a face when she said there was something in the bottom left hand corner of my garden that needed attending to - she couldn't have known I'd been meaning to flush out the dog toilet for ages! and she asked if I'd got the blind fixed - there's a raggy one still hanging in the kitchen at mum's bungalow. Here's a few more gems from that session:

There's going to be a birth in the family and the name Helen is significant (-my middle name. Given the psychic was looking at a middle aged woman who probably had relatives of childbearing age, not a huge surprise, although lovely daughter has come off the pill...)
someone called Sarah with an unusual degree will be instrumental in finding beloved son a job, something to do with the media/music and what looked like lots of intertwined Ss (treble clefs, dollar signs?)
BS will find his soulmate and live abroad (oh no - he already has an american cyber girlfriend!)
BS needed to see a dentist about a problem at the back of his mouth and he'd had knee trouble (no he doesn't and no he didn't)
If anyone has to go to Kent, not to go by car (LD and her partner have to go to a christening in London next week, hope she drives carefully and doesn't get ANOTHER speeding ticket - 98mph recently!)
I'm going to get an invitation to stay with someone with property in France and should take it (don't know anyone)
Money from property is coming my way (again, at my age you might expect legacies I suppose)
Someone called Margaret is going to have health worries but she'll be ok
September is significant, I could be influenced by someone to take up training in a new hobby
I've had a hard few years (well yes, but I would imagine most people going to a psychic are hoping for reassurance about a happier future)
my kitchen is on strong ley lines (wonder if that's why the dog keep losing control of her bowels and bladder in there?)
I'll have two holidays this year (actually I am thinking about planning a romantic break for him indoors' 60th in November)
My daughter must not cut her hair (well it is long and looks very nice)
Richard will pass with flying colours (?)
Someone called Andrew will try to get me involved in raising money for charity
my uncle Jack told her I didn't put all my Christmas decorations up, spragger! (who does these days?)

There was lots more but because I couldn't take notes during the hour long session, I'd forgotten or confused some of it by the time I came to write it down. I shall keep an open, if sceptical, mind and post again if any of the above come to pass.

bureaucrazy

2011-06-09T20:32:00.000+01:00

For weeks now I have been corresponding with a pensions company who tracked me down about my old ICI pension - I only worked there from 1969 to about 1972 but was looking forward to a modest windfall. I had to provide my birth and marriage certificates and umpteen examples of my maiden name and current signatures before they would tell me how much was in the pot.

The eagerly awaited letter came yesterday. Apparently, I have two options:

#1 - a cash sum of £25.46 woohoo! (75% of which might be subject to tax) or

#2 - an annual pension of £1.34 throughout my lifetime! Tempting.

To register my choice, I now have to complete a 3 page Retirement Benefits Questionnaire, the purpose of which is 'to confirm that benefits are within the Lifetime Allowance, which stands at £1.80 million.'

Can I be arsed?

and here is the news...

2011-05-20T22:02:00.005+01:00

*bong* lovely daughter and her equally lovely partner have now officially moved into mum's bungalow and taken over the bills. LD and I wallpapered the living room, big bedroom and hall (amazingly not falling out in the process) which LD then painted and the final crowning glory was old oak laminate flooring in each of those rooms. Looks great.

*bong* had a funny few days last week, really missed my dad - watched 'Hope Floats' and cried on and off all through, that film really pushes my buttons when it comes to parental relationships lost and dysfunctional. Then the next day I found myself getting tearful for no apparent reason until I realised the radio was playing 'Around the World (I've searched for you)' - a song my mother used to sing a lot and one I've always loved.

*bong* mum has a black eye, the staff at the care home don't know how she did it but its likely she either got out of bed during the night and fell, or fell asleep in the chair (which she does a lot lately) and fell. I happened to mention that when she first went into the care home, it was suggested she get a mattress alarm to alert staff when she wandered during the night but it was never provided. As luck would have it, they'd just received one so mum now has it on her bed.

*bong* I turn 60 in three weeks time :-( I've booked the week off work and am having a surprise party, oops I'm not supposed to know that!

*bong* I'm loving my new job, interesting work, great team, pleasant location and a fantastic drive to work through the countryside every day.

Him indoors' tank top...

2011-05-14T17:24:00.003+01:00

... is about half done, one more band and I'm at the armholes.

seething!

2011-04-17T10:22:00.002+01:00

I had a meeting with a representative of the Office of the Public Guardian at mum's care home last week to make sure I was doing a good job of discharging my duties as deputy for her financial affairs and property. It was a positive meeting but I was dismayed to discover that I could have been claiming Attendance Allowance for mum for years, even after she went into the care home. Her GP did suggest it some years ago but at the time mum said she didn't want to bother and in my ignorance I confused it with carer's allowance and thought no more about it, especially when I was no longer involved in her day to day care. Now I find that she is entitled to the higher allowance of £73.60 a week which means that since going into the care home, she could have had £5667.20 towards the fees!!!!! I am so annoyed, why doesn't anyone tell you these things, ie the care staff when mum first became a resident or the Office of the Public Guardian when I was granted the deputyship order? And the most annoying thing of all is I can't get it back dated so that's money lost/gifted to the government. Grrrrr. I have made a start applying for AA online but have to get some info from the care home tomorrow to complete it. Wish me luck!

more worries

2011-04-01T13:19:00.002+01:00

Now I'm worried about my son. He's had a rotten couple of years - crazy ex, lost his job, new (now also ex) girlfriend with lots of her own problems - and now he's totally consumed with anxiety about the situation in Libya and Japan. He stays up all night on the internet publishing and responding to videos on Youtube, sleeps till early afternoon, thinks the world is doomed and too awful a place to bring children into. He's always been a sensitive soul at the best of times and I'm scared he's going to crack up completely. I've talked to him about it but he doesn't think he's ill. Maybe I'm just overreacting, perhaps he's just doing what anyone with a strong social conscience and no other distractions would do. Anyone out there had the same experience, themselves or with someone else? Any advice?

all change

2011-03-26T05:14:00.002Z

It was my last day at work yesterday, well last day at the old post - I start at my new team on 1 April so I've a week off to wind down and chill out. Its been quite touching saying my goodbyes, lots of hugs from colleagues and kind comments. I didn't finish the last few reports until nearly nine o'clock last night and it was a strange, sad feeling leaving for the last time, with only a few people around to say goodbye to and a last walk in the dark to the car park clutching an enormous bouquet of flowers and a big bag of stuff cleared from desk drawers. I'm only blogging now because I woke up an hour ago remembering that I'd forgotten to set an automatic email reply message to let people know I'd gone and who to contact in my stead, so needed to let a colleague know my password to do it for me. Feeling a bit anxious about the new job - whole new set of procedures and computer systems to get to grips with. Also I have a meeting with a guardian from the Court of Protection at mum's care home in a couple of weeks which is stressing me out a bit - don't know what to expect.

Yay!

2011-01-28T07:35:00.002Z

This week its exactly a year since I joined Slimming World, weighing in at my all time heaviest of 11 stones 11 pounds (165 pounds) - not good when you're only 5' 2". At this week's weigh-in I finally hit my 3 stone target (123 pounds)! Fantastic, especially as I really wanted to make it within in the year and in time for the last class being held by our lovely consultant whose place will be taken by someone else from next week. I've gone from (UK) size 16 tops and 14/16 bottoms to size 10 and 8 respectively, still takes some getting used to - there's a fatter me still in my head! Of course a lot of it is vanity but also I do feel better for all the healthy food I've been eating (cooking from fresh every day as opposed to old habits of raiding the freezer for packets of ready-cooked meals) and him indoors has benefitted - he comes with me to SW (the only man in the class!) and is a pound away from losing 4 stones! Now I just have to keep up the good work.

Went to see mum last weekend with lovely daughter. Mum looked tinier than ever, she's walking again, doesn't need the wheelchair to get around any more, but she seemed tired and distant - didn't speak or respond much but she was pleased to see us. Hopefully she will have perked up a bit when we go again. I really must get round to putting all the paperwork generated since becoming Deputy in order - the Court of Protection will be wanting a report in a few months and I've got to demonstrate that I've been looking after mum's affairs properly. Is there ever a point in adult life when you don't get to be responsible for something and can just relax, dementia excluded?!

feh

2011-01-17T10:14:00.004Z

Been a bit low, on and off, lately. I think its probably still linked to not feeling comfortable making decisions as mum's deputy - have spent a chunk of her money recently on getting the bungalow's electrics updated, a new bathroom fitted and a new gas fire installed. Had a mini meltdown when lovely daughter said the reproduction victorian fire she'd chosen looked too big in situ, its a gorgeous slate hearthed, cast iron coal effect fire with a chunky oak-like surround with a price to match. I think it will look ok once the rest of the room is decorated, sigh. Logically I know the alterations will add value to mum's property so if I do have to sell it, hopefully it will do well. Still finding it stressful though, doing this stuff 'behind her back'. Next expenses will be flooring (going to price laminate but may have to settle for carpeting if the price is extortionate) and decorating. Aaargh.

Yesterday I thought I was starting early with dementia - I couldn't remember what I'd done with the spare wheel on my car that I needed to replace a flat tyre. Today I discovered that my new car wasn't fitted with a spare, just a tyre inflator which does diddly squat when you've a puncture. Which bright spark came up with that one? (Apparently it saves car manufacturers money and decreases carbon emissions - small comfort if you have a blowout in the middle of nowhere but good news for the recovery services!)

Also I've had a chest infection for weeks so haven't been to see mum for a while. Haven't managed to get to the doctor's yet but have an appointment tonight. Back to work tomorrow after a week off to get the work at the bungalow done so I'll be playing catch up AND I've 5 big reports to complete before the first week in February as well as the daily stuff - more stress, and I'm waiting to find out where I'll be sent next - am moving to a new team around the end of March. Never thought I'd say this but roll on retirement!

Oh, and just to put the tin hat on it, having forked out £60 for a new tyre and consoled myself with lunch and a mooch round the charity shops with a friend, I got back to the car to find a £50 parking ticket (£25 if I pay up within 14 days). Grr. AND I've just discovered my friend left her shopping in the boot of my car.

The Boxing Day Die Hard song - sing along!

2010-12-26T09:38:00.005Z

The boys upstairs are snoring
The morning TV's boring
And since there's not very much snow
To the Boxing Day sales I must go!

I've had my porridge and berries
Now I just need to find my wellies,
Jeans and a warm jumper-o
And off to the sales I will go!

I really need some warm pyjamas
All my old ones are far too loose
I'm only a pound off target
From the 3 stones* I had to lose!

Yesterday we went to see my mother
Me, my daughter and her brother
Mum has a big black eye -
3 falls in 3 days, oh my!

We think she has a water infection
But she doesn't need an injection
Just antibiotics and rest
And she'll soon be back to her best

At the moment she's very wobbly
She can't walk far at all
I bought her a cardie for Christmas
Size 6^, yes she's really that small!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas
To every mister and missus
Lots of happiness and good cheer
And I'll see you all again next year!

For my friends in the USA:
*42 pounds
^ size 2

I'm a terrible daughter

2010-12-04T07:42:00.002Z

I haven't been to see mum for a fortnight. I meant to go last week but then the weather went arctic and the roads were treacherous and I was so busy and we were away in London for a long weekend and, and, and..... The thing is, I've stopped feeling guilty about not visiting exactly seven days apart - I know she's well cared for, the home contacts me if there are any concerns at all, mum doesn't really have a grasp of the passage of time and I'm knackered. Excuses, excuses. Must try and get over this weekend and hope the black ice doesn't get me. Still, I am enjoying the copious amounts of snow, this is how winters should be.

and another funny thing...

2010-11-14T12:30:00.002Z

... about the second visit to mum last weekend - I finally plucked up the courage to get her photo album out. I'd been putting it off, thinking that it might upset or confuse her to see photos of friends and family she might not recognise/realise had died. And yet, amazingly, she identified everyone and knew unprompted where dad used to work; she seemed to enjoy looking at the pictures and didn't ask about anyone's current circumstances. Perhaps she'll look at it again when we're not there. I'm thinking about taking the old projector lovely daughter found in mum's loft, complete with old slides I hadn't seen since I was a teenager. I should be able to give her quite a film show and maybe entertain a few residents/staff at the same time. Watch this space!

sharp intake of breath

2010-11-11T20:56:00.002Z

Beloved son, lovely daughter and I went to visit mum on 6 November, her 91st birthday. "Get away!" she said scornfully, when I told her how old she was. A pleasant, chatty visit and then totally unprompted, she said my dad had been to see her and told her he'd bumped into an old boyfriend of hers. She never talks about dad, its as though she's forgotten all about him, then all of a sudden he's paying house calls. I know there's an old wives' tale about it being a sign that someone is not long for this world when dear departed ones start to visit. Probably rubbish, but it was strange. It gave lovely (psychic) daughter and I quite a turn. BS and I went back to see mum the following day and out of the blue she repeated the dad visiting/old boyfriend encounter story. Still, I suppose its quite nice for her to see dad again, at least in the moment, she won't feel like she's been abandoned.

other stuff

2010-10-31T10:49:00.003Z

Life is unsettled (1), fun (2) and satisfying (3) at the moment...

Due to the current economic climate, compulsory redundancies are in the pipeline at work. Our poor line managers have to complete some kind of redundantable scoresheet on everyone in their teams to identify the unlucky few. Hopefully I'm too old and therefore too expensive to qualify! Beloved son seems ok but I wish he could get a job, the longer he's out of work, the harder it will be to find one. I try not to get on his case but I can't help thinking he's spending too much time YouTubing and not enough job hunting (yes, I know, look who's talking lol).
Went to a Halloween party last night, resplendant in a slinky floor length, midnight blue velvet, halter neck number and witch's hat, prompting many an appreciative comment from folks who remembered me from last year's party as a dumpy little thing in a black trouser suit, reminiscent of Biggins in Rocky Horror. Getting excited already about next year's cruise. I have plans to learn ballroom dancing this time round!
I've lost 2 stones 10 pounds (38 pounds for transatlantic readers) since starting Slimming World at the end of January and only have 4 pounds to go to my target weight of 8 stones 11 pounds, the magic 3 stones lost point! It's an expensive business though, this losing weight lark. I had to buy new bras yesterday and was shocked to find it cost me over £70 for four good quality ones! I'd better not change shape for the next few years. I'm knitting again, and making slow but steady progress with a bedspread I'm making for my daughter's 30 birthday in December 2011. Knitting is my nicotine, I'm addicted to its calming effect, it starts and ends my day and features in my lunch breaks at work. I really must find a pattern for me though, most of my knitting seems to be for other people! Lovely daughter has an equally lovely boyfriend, they both seem loved up so I'm hoping this one's a keeper. They plan to move in together into mum's bungalow after Christmas/when all the repairs and refurbishments have been completed. Hopefully the Court of Protection won't put a spanner in the works and insist on exorbitant rent which would scupper their plans.

Mum, after a year in care

2010-10-30T04:23:00.005+01:00

This is the first time in ages I've woken up at daft o'clock and turned to tea and tinternet. Banishing elderly dog to the kitchen at night has meant no interruptions from her scratching at the bedroom door at all hours. So, to use this time constructively, a few thoughts on how things are going with mum...

I usually manage to see her once a week, mostly with lovely daughter in tow, although I'm less anxious about going on my own as mum is generally in a good mood these days. I don't know whether its the progression of the dementia, steadily erasing old anxieties and gripes, or the settling effect of being surrounded by company and care every day instead of being all alone, or a combination of the two, but mum is a different person to the unhappy, paranoid and fretful old lady she was a year ago. She may struggle to hear what people say to her, but she keeps the conversation going with her own observations on life past and present and often smiles and even laughs when she gets the joke. She may greet our arrival with "can you bring me some money for bus fare" but is easily deflected from her escape plans by a cup of tea and a change of subject. She seems to be interacting with other residents quite well, she is always in the lounge when we go and this week introduced me and LD as her daughter and granddaughter (result!) to a lady in a wheelchair with a vice-like grip.

If you didn't know she had dementia, you might think there was nothing much wrong with her when she's chatty and lucid - this week she remembered, unprompted, that my son used to think that Farmer Christmas was Santa Claus' real name, but then in the next breath she'll ask whether her father is still as grumpy as ever and say she regrets joining up again (she thinks she's back in the WAAFs). The other week we were on our way to the dining room when she decided she needed to go to the toilet - I went in with her and found that the pad she was wearing was soaked and soiled. I don't think she realised. I had to get a member of staff to help as I couldn't work out how the new style pads fitted. Its sad that I don't find such episodes as shocking as I used to.

groundhog day

2010-10-09T06:03:00.002+01:00

This is how it goes. I wake up before dawn, needing the loo. The trip to the bathroom wakes me up somewhat so I decide to go downstairs and check on elderly dog, now confined to the kitchen overnight, the better to deal with any 'accidents'. Kitchen floor decorated with dog pee and poo so by the time I've cleaned it all up, I'm wide awake and thirsty. Make a cup of tea and switch on computer. Play Lexulous on Facebook (a kind of online scrabble) until there are no more moves to make, play Bubble Spinner until the bubbles get the better of me. Check this blog for new posts, mooch around eBay, check e-mails, back to Facebook to see whether any of my online Lexulous partners have played their moves, notice that dawn is breaking, go back to bed (or start getting ready for work, depending on what day it is). Can't understand why I'm lacking in energy. Pfft.

Going to a work colleague's wedding blessing and reception this afternoon. I can tell that Mr Lily is nervous about not knowing anyone there and is already hankering after going to the pub before the ceremony, presumably for dutch courage. I'm hoping I can keep him under control until the reception has got under way, by which time everyone else will be getting tiddly anyway. Everyone but me that is, always the chauffeur, never the party girl. That's what you get when you're allergic to alcohol - its just not worth the full on hayfever-like attack that usually accompanies drinking.

Will be starting to get work done on mum's bungalow soon. Have obtained a quote for boarding out the loft and should have sorted out an electrician by the end of next week to do the rewiring and a few other electrical jobs. My brain tells me I'm doing the right thing but my guts are churning - making these decisions about mum's property without her knowledge (she's forgotten the bungalow existed, it would only confuse her to try to explain what's happening) feels shifty somehow, as though I'm doing something wrong. I suppose part of the discomfort is because lovely daughter will be the beneficiary of all this refurbishment, being paid for out of mum's account, when she moves into the bungalow. Although, in the end she may have to move out so I can rent/sell the bungalow if the Court of Protection doesn't approve of her living there rent free (she's on a low wage), in which case all the improvements will have added to the value of the bungalow which is a good thing, isn't it? Aaargh, too much responsibility. I recognise this feeling. I'm stressed. I want my Prozac back. I want to be comfortably numb again.

Things can only get better

2010-10-05T04:03:00.002+01:00

Two years ago today, I was a few months into taking Prozac and still struggling with the blues and extreme weariness. Mum was difficult and demanding but still functioning fairly normally. One year ago today, I was on sick leave with stress and visiting a very confused and frail mum every day in hospital in the run up to her being assessed for residential care. Things are much better now. Visited mum yesterday and she seems really settled in the home. Now if I could just stop waking up at daft o'clock.....

Sun in Gemini, Moon in Libra

2010-09-23T03:52:00.003+01:00

Hurrah! I've lost the one and a half pounds I put on during the cruise, mum recognised me as her daughter last night, spent quality time with beloved son last weekend and lovely daughter has a lovely boyfriend.

Boo :-( Still tortured by the nettle devils and occasionally disrupted sleep - have been prescribed a bagful of medication to zap it, fingers crossed. Feeling a bit jittery, remember being more chilled on the Prozac. The house is a tip, can't seem to motivate myself to sort it out.

Well that's what you get when you're an up and down twin, I suppose.

Cruise Capers - in which Mr Lily has some spectacularly senior moments and we both have a bloody good time

2010-09-16T03:13:00.018+01:00

We had a fabulous time on the cruise, it exceeded my wildest expectations and we can't wait to do it all again next year so we'll be saving like mad for the next 12 months. The weather was gorgeous, the ship luxurious, the service first class, the food to die for, the company (our two friends and new friends made on board) great fun and the ports of call fascinating (with the possible exception of Istanbul where the Spice and Grand Bazaars were marred by the all-male stallholders' relentless hassling if you even breathed in their direction). Mr Lily gurned through most of the holiday snaps, you could tell when we were photographing him - there'd be a chorus of exasperated cries of "SMILE for goodness' sake!" and his comedy act didn't end there....

Having set off on our journey down to Southampton, I enquired of Mr Lily whether he had remembered to pack his passport. I expected a withering reply, I did not expect that we would have to return home to collect said passport from the shelf near the music system.
After a spot of afternoon delight in the cabin (with the curtains open), Mr Lily and I retired to our 12th deck balcony, Mr Lily indulging in some naked sunbathing as he read his book. Imagine our surprise when a window cleaning contraption bearing a member of the crew slowly trundled its way across the front of the balcony. "Keep that book there!" I hissed at ML and only later wondered whether that was the window cleaner's first transit or whether he had already been past whilst we were otherwise engaged :-o
Packing ready for disembarkation, Mr Lily discovered that he had locked his suitcase keys in the suitcase and had to spend half an hour sawing through the padlock with his Swiss Army knife.

The cruise really did us the power of good, ML only put on a pound and I only put on a pound and a half! ML's hellishly expensive outlay on onboard acupuncture sessions and a personal trainer paid off - his bad back is hugely improved, to the extent that he managed hours walking in very hot weather with no problem at all. And he got to star in the ship's fashion show! Here are a few highlights:
our 'state room' and the balcony of shame

Pompeii

Parthenon the Aurora

sunrise from our balcony

hair raising

2010-08-08T21:07:00.004+01:00

Disaster! I washed my hair this morning - what was a warm brunette mop streaked with honey is now a more ordinary brown with sulphourous streaks! I have purchased a product promising 'medium ash brown' in the hope that the abomination can be toned down in time for work tomorrow. I suspect I may end up extremely dark brown indeed. Sigh.

Can anyone else see the word 'work' in the above paragraph coloured green and underlined as a link? Not guilty!

LATER..........

As I suspected :-(

Oh well, that's me washing my hair every morning for the next few days in the hope that the expresso coffee thing I have going on fades in time for my hols next week.

spammers leave my blog alone!

2010-08-07T07:29:00.004+01:00

Is anyone else getting annoying intruders? The last couple of times I've checked my blog, I've found the odd word or phrase highlighted by agents unknown and turned into a link to another website. This week, 'eating' and 'losing weight' have been used to take readers to websites advertising slimming products. Once the link has been clicked, it disappears from the post. Bloody cheek!

memory loss

2010-08-01T09:21:00.004+01:00

Beloved son and I visited my mum yesterday. She was delighted to see us and quite a lively conversationalist within her own paremeters; she looked well, although very skinny, and seemed quite settled. The staff assured me that she was eating all her meals and 'no bother'. Ironic, innit, my mother the Queen of Bother, now one of the less challenging residents, lol.

Mum's memory loss fluctuates, its as though past events haven't been completely erased, just hidden from view. Like an ancient neglected wood, paths to memory glades have overgrown with impenetrable bramble thickets, only the well worn tracks staying open. Yet every now and then a path will unexpectedly open up and reveal a clearing bathed in sunshine - yesterday mum mentioned for the first time in ages that her older sister had died when she was quite young, a fact that came unprompted out of the blue. She still didn't remember that all her other siblings have passed on, or her father. Another odd thing happened yesterday. When one of the residents asked mum who BS was, mum quickly responded "this is my grandson, (BS name)". When asked who I was, she replied "this is my niece"! Maybe my losing weight has confused her and that's why she doesn't give me a hard time any more, because she doesn't identify me with the dreadful daughter of yore?!

a fool and her barnet are soon parted

2010-07-29T00:39:00.005+01:00

I had my hair cut (no problem) and streaked (urrgh) on Wednesday. I don't know what happened. I'd discussed it with my hairdresser the last time I was there and I'm sure we'd agreed on 'lowlights', I even think the word 'caramel' was mentioned. So how I left the salon today with fine blonde streaks I'll never know, other than when he said that was what he was going to do, I gave him the go ahead, ignoring the little voice inside reminding me of the original plan. What a wuss.

I don't like it. It makes my hair look insipid and me older. I'm going to buy a wash in colour and hope it doesn't turn my hair orange.

Some time later............
The 'light brown' colour I put on this morning has done the trick, now I have subtle light golden brown/blonde highlights instead of lemony white streaks. Phew!

I could have scratched all night, I could have scratched all night, and still have scratched some more.....

2010-07-27T02:35:00.003+01:00

aaaaaaargh! This middle of the night itching is driving me mad and is extra annoying as I can't see the reason for it - my excema cleared up quite a while ago so its perfectly normal looking skin these days being driven mad by the nettle devils' tour of every limb in perpetuity. My scalp is no better and I have a hairdresser's appointment tomorrow morning, I dread their commenting on it, so embarrassing. Anyway, I got up to take my mind off it so I'll change the subject.

Lovely daughter and I visited mum yesterday. I hadn't been for over a fortnight - away in London last weekend and then stricken by a summer cold that still hasn't quite gone. Mum didn't seem aware of the gap, she was just pleased to see us (and the box of Thornton's chocolates we took!). She was in the lounge with lots of other residents when we arrived, I really think having company around her, even if she can't hear what people are saying, is a great comfort to her after all those solitary years. She seems much more relaxed and stress free now, no longer the woman who worried about everything and constantly bemoaned her miserable life. She still talks about going home to her father, but without distress. Yesterday she elaborated on her wishes for him - not only should he find a woman and marry her, they should have children to take his mind off picking on mum! I still find it very peculiar to collude with her delusions but its the kindest thing. Anyway, mum's so deaf these days that it would be impossible to try to explain the truth about anything. Even the simplest of comments, spoken very loudly, eludes her most of the time. I took along a bag of name labels - the kind you get for children's school uniform - and stitched them into some of her clothes while we sat in the dining room with a cup of tea. It proved a useful distraction for mum, who seemed interested and pleased by the process. I intend to keep going until everything in her wardrobe has her name in pink embroidery sewn into the seams!

I found out today that by signing up for Gift Aid with my local Help the Aged charity shop not so long ago (which means that Age UK can claim an extra 28% from the tax man on the proceeds from selling the goods I donate), I've raised £64.85 from my cast-off clothes! Bloody marvellous! I've been ruthlessly clearing out all my old size 16 and 14 clothes so I don't have any excuses to put the weight back on and am busy buying new 10s and 12s from the charity shop to replace them. Last time I went in I was hailed as one of their best customers! Its weigh in at Slimming World tonight, I've 10 pounds to go to my target of 8 stones 11 pounds but doubt I'll make it before we go on the cruise on 20 August. Still, I'd be happy just to keep losing until then. I don't know whether its a general skin problem, given the current sensitivity, or whether losing weight off my face is to blame, but I do seem to have developed more wrinkles lately. Most annoying. I'm hoping liberal applications of unguents and a relaxing holiday will iron them out. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity :-(

lulled into a false sense of security

2010-07-23T04:01:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd cracked it. Daytime - dog in kitchen with access to drinking water and a little food, easy to clean up accidents from tiled floor; night-time - dog sleeps on landing without access to water, hopefully reducing wake-ups for wees and accidents on the carpet.

All went swimmingly for two or was it three days, I'm too tired to remember. No accidents while we were all out at work, no accidents or disturbed sleep during the night. Bliss.

Its 4 am and K9 has had me up three times in the last hour to let her out, evidence of her desperation visible in two little damp patches on her bed. What's a girl to do but make a cup of tea and whinge into the ether. I'd only just begun to feel like my brain was working again after being suffocated in the cranial cotton wool of a summer cold. Now I shall be doing my zombie impression at work again today. TFIF.

old ladies have it in for me

2010-07-20T04:44:00.004+01:00

Typical, innit. Mum's finally settled and well looked after so I should be able to relax but here comes another old girl to cause problems and interrupt my sleep. Our much loved, fifteen year old dog has become incontinent. She piddles and poops in the house without warning and gets us (well, lovely daughter and I) up in the night to let her out, sometimes when the damage is already done. 4 am this morning she scratched on my bedroom door, apparently having only just been let back in by LD, and as I went downstairs I stepped barefooted onto a soggy patch in the hall carpet. I'm going to try putting her bed in the kitchen for what is left of tonight but I suspect she'll be scratching at the door until we get up again. Apparently there's something you can get for weak canine bladders so its back to the vet's again, I think. I have a very poor sense of smell but Mr Lily said there was a definite pong when he came home from work yesterday. How embarrassing. Will have to get the carpets cleaned or rip them up and put down lino!

what's up?

2010-07-05T02:35:00.002+01:00

I am, at daft o'clock again. Had a long lie in this morning - it was after 1pm when I finally surfaced, most unusual for me. Then I ran out of steam early evening and retired for 40 winks which ended up more like 4,000. I was still winking when my husband came to bed about an hour or two ago, then I got up to get a drink and here I am. Don't know why my energy levels are so low, I'm eating enough and healthily. Probably stress. The deputyship thing weighs heavily on my mind at the moment, so much to organise and I'm going to be 'supervised' by the Court of Protection so I'm anxious about doing it properly. Post Prozac I'm finding that I do tend to panic a bit about things I don't understand - I changed my car a few weeks ago and got myself in a right tiz about swapping the insurance over, very confusing.

Mum, meanwhile, is blissfully ignorant of all this. She has settled well into the home now and seems much more cheerful when we visit, albeit she still wonders when she'll be able to leave. We just say 'when you're better'. At first glance, you wouldn't think there was much amiss with her other than the deafness and the current chest infection - she chats quite normally about everyday things (as long as you don't ask her any questions that rely on memory, like what did you have for lunch today) but then drops the occasional bombshell - last week she was wishing her grumpy old father would meet a woman and get married!

I suppose I ought to go back to bed. Work tomorrow. Will I go on the bike? If only there weren't a huge hill between home and work that makes me arrive at the other end tomato faced and 'glowing'.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-01T23:42:00.004+01:00

I'm two stones and 1 pound lighter than I was 5 months ago! Seemed to take ages to get to this point but now I'm freshly motivated to try hard and get the last 13 pounds off before we sail on 20 August.

Greg, to answer your question, the cruise goes to Malaga, Piraeus, Dikili, Istanbul, Mytilene, Naples (hoping to tour Pompeii on this stopover) and Almeria.

sigh of relief

2010-06-27T22:48:00.002+01:00

The Court of Protection have agreed to my being mum's Deputy, it will take effect on 9 July. There'll be a lot of administrative work for me to do initially, notifying the bank, building societies, fuel providers, council, etc etc but I've made a little list and I shall be working my way through it. Then I'll have to arrange for mum's bungalow to be rewired (hasn't been done since it was built 50 years ago, get a new bathroom fitted (currently yukky avocado), rip up all the carpets (lovely daughter keeps finding carpet beetles, ughh) and fit laminate flooring. Eventually LD will move in, if she can afford the bills. If not, I suppose I'll have to think about renting or selling it.

Keeping my fingers crossed that I've lost a pound this week which will get me my 2 stones award at Slimming World on Tuesday night. Him indoors beat me to it last week, grrr. Only 8 weeks to the cruise, yippee!

post-Prozac

2010-06-08T01:51:00.002+01:00

Life without Prozac is slightly different - I've noticed that my tolerance threshold has shrunk a little - I can be irritable these days but only for short bursts and actually its not such a bad thing, maybe I was too placid before - now I say what I think (and apologise later!) or just quit annoying situations rather than putting up with them.

Still eating healthily and slowly losing weight, down to 141 pounds last week (starting weight 165). Still got some blubber to lose round the middle but at least catching sight of myself in a shop window now or changing room mirrors aren't the depressing experiences they used to be.

Wish I could sort out my energy levels - they fluctuate between buzzing around not being able to relax and feeling completely zonked. At work I regularly struggle to remain conscious during afternoon meetings - its as though my brain puts up the 'CLOSED' sign after eating lunch. I should have been born in a siesta part of the world, would have been perfect for me. Tonight I couldn't keep awake after tea and took myself off to bed about 9. I'm only up now because my dog woke me to let her out (even though my husband was still downstairs!). I'm often to be found at the computer in the early hours, following the 'dog wakes me up, I'm thirsty, I'll have a cup of tea and a play on the puter while I drink it....' and an hour and a half drunk cup of cold tea later I head back for bed.

I'm off work for a fortnight starting today, although I went in to finish a couple of urgent reports this morning and ended up staying four and a half hours and still have one report to write! Its my birthday a week today - the last time I'll be fifty something. How did that happen?!

update for Sharwan :-)

2010-05-19T21:54:00.003+01:00

lost another 1.5 pounds at the Slimming World weigh-in last night, making it 22 pounds lost in 16 weeks. I'm now just over half way to my target. Am busy in the charity shops, taking in old loose gear and buying 'new' next-size-down clothes. I even bought a slinky pinstripe fitted shift dress that just zips up now but in half a stone's time will look SENSATIONAL!
managed to spray myself and half the kitchen at work with fish juice this lunchtime, much to my colleagues' consternation and chagrin. Had to nip home to change clothes.
had my hair cut tonight, back to short and impish, just like me lol.
going to see mum Friday. No longer feel I have to go exactly every seven days, as long as I go roughly every week it seems to be ok - mum's sense of time is pretty shaky so she doesn't berate me for being late, she's just surprised and pleased to see lovely daughter and I whenever we go. Feels liberating.

foul weather blogger bows out, for now....

2010-05-15T22:10:00.007+01:00

I know its extremely selfish, but as life is a lot easier and happier these days, I just don't feel the need to blog - it was always my cathartic release when the black dog was breathing down my neck. I'm off the Prozac and still doing fine, I'm slimmer and fitter than I've been in ages, mum seems reasonably settled at the home and work is going ok. I can't complain - no really, I can't!

I'll still check up on you lovely people and keep in touch that way but it may be a while before I put up a new post. Famous last words probably - did I hear growling?

Fingers crossed for blue skies ahead...

2010-05-01T07:35:00.003+01:00

I took my last Prozac tablet this morning.

Mum is continuing to eat well and has put on 5 pounds, she's now just over 5 stones (70 pounds).

I now fit into size 12 jeans (size 8 in the US?).

My gorgeous new bike!

2010-04-27T04:19:00.002+01:00

I bought this bike at the weekend and can't believe the difference it has made - the journey to work took me half as long yesterday, must be the bigger wheels! I asked the bike shop to swap over my woman's saddle from the old bike and it's front light and prop rest and I've had mudguards, a luggage rack and panniers fitted. Its great not having to carry all my stuff in a backpack any more. Also I finally caved in to common sense, I'm now wearing a cycling helmet for the first time in my life.

its getting better all the ti-i-ime!

2010-04-22T22:44:00.002+01:00

Cycled to work today in beautiful sunshine.
Cycled to the shops at lunchtime in beautiful sunshine and bought a pair of knee supports which I wore when cycling home in beautiful sunshine - happy knees!
I'm thinking of trading in my current bike for a proper laydee's bike - I'm having trouble lifting my leg over the top bar without overbalancing (I'm only likkle) and I could do with a pair of panniers instead of carrying all my stuff in a backpack.

Went to see mum with lovely daughter tonight. Mum was much brighter - the staff said she'd been eating better for days...couldn't believe it when in front of our eyes she demolished a piece of ginger cake and THREE sandwiches! The staff have started putting food in front of her whenever she sits down and she just eats it! Brilliant to see. The only cloud on the horizon is that they've stopped some of her meds as something showed up in the latest blood tests - should find out tomorrow what it was.

Only a week and a bit and goodbye Prozac! I think I'm going to be ok :-)

Prozac blues?

2010-04-19T04:17:00.003+01:00

Here I am at daft o'clock again. I've been hitting the keys around 3am quite a few times lately in a bid to tire myself out enough to go back to sleep. I'm beginning to think it may have something to do with coming off Prozac, especially as this weekend I haven't been my usual self. I've had long lie-ins on Saturday and Sunday, unusual for me, and felt more like my old anti-social self on Saturday night. Of course, that may have just been the inevitable consequence of being the only sober one surrounded by inebriated aging rock'n'rollers! Yesterday I felt quite flat, it took some doing just to keep going. Is it a coincidence that I'm now down to one Prozac tablet every fourth day? With the recent good weather, we've been concentrating on the garden, with the result that the house is a tip but I can't seem to motivate myself to clean it up.

Going back to bed now.

Lily - the grateful bum

2010-04-11T09:45:00.003+01:00

This is my new bicycle saddle. I rode back from town on it yesterday and was astonished and relieved to find that despite being still rather tender from Thursday's cycle to work, it was pretty comfortable! I still had to get off and walk up a few hills and have a 'little' nap when I got home, but I'm determined to bike to work again next week and hope for a significant result at the Slimming World weigh-in on Tuesday night.

checking in

2010-04-09T20:21:00.004+01:00

mum is now 4 stones 9.5 pounds (65.5). Blood tests found too much calcium (is her body cannabilising itself to survive, eating up the bones?) so the doctor has stopped her digoxin (don't know what the link is) and doubled her anti-depressant (I'm hoping it stimulates her appetite). I was asked what I thought about referring her to hospital. I said it would be a bad move, she hated it in hospital last time and still lost weight through not eating and drinking. In hospital they just dump the food and leave at mealtimes. At least in the home she is in familiar surroundings and the staff will encourage her to eat. Hope I made the right decision.
I did cycle to and from work on Thursday - 2.5 miles each way. Oh my poor knees. Oh my poor bum! I did say 'never again' but I'll persevere and try again next week. I've been told you can get special ladies' saddles, designed to be kind to our tender parts so am on a quest to find a good one.
I've lost 15 pounds in 10 weeks with Slimming World! That's an average of 1.5 pounds a week and if I can keep it up, I'll hit my target of losing 3 stones in time for our holiday in mid August.
I'm down to one Prozac tablet every third day and doing just fine. Will be completely off them in three weeks' time!

the post with no name

2010-04-07T20:18:00.003+01:00

The three of us visited mum again on Bank Holiday Monday. This time she was in the lounge when we arrived, a good sign, and one of the staff brought her down to her room to see us. It must have been shocking for my son to see her out of bed (he doesn't get home very often so hasn't seen the gradual decline) - she looks so pale and tiny, stick thin and very wobbly when she walks. Still, she was glad to see us and quite chatty, I'm afraid we plied her with drink - her favourite tipple is Tia Maria, and had to put her to bed in the end as she was drifting off. LD and BS missed quite a little drama when I went to find a member of staff to get the Tia Maria out of the 'safe'. A group of residents were in the corridor and one of them ('Scary Lady') suddenly started stripping off, she had her jumper off by the time the staff caught up with her, apparently they'd had to stop her doing the same thing in the lounge a few moments earlier! I'm hoping to call in to see her during the day tomorrow as I'm over that way for work. I'm also planning to cycle to work tomorrow, I wonder whether I'll achieve both?

I spoke too soon....

2010-04-05T09:00:00.002+01:00

The care home staff tell me that over the last couple of weeks mum has been fine one day - eating, drinking and wandering about, then the complete opposite the next. I can see from visiting her that the one does not cancel out the other - she seems more frail and detached from the world each time I go.

Yesterday lovely daughter and beloved son (home for Easter yay!) and I took mum an Easter egg. She was in bed for her afternoon nap and looked very pale, just skin and bone. She was pleased to see us and seemed content but that may have just been exhaustion. She talked a little, mostly about whether "the grumpy old man" (her father) was still at home and causing trouble. There was a flash of the old feisty mum when one of the staff came into the room to tell me when the blood test results would be back - after she left, mum asked if she'd gone and on being told 'yes', said "good" with a grin! We managed to encourage her to eat a chocolate and drink a little Mackeson, perhaps it was the latter that contributed to mum's telling us it was "a quarter past warmer outside", lol.

We're planning to go again this morning, hopefully before mum gets too tired.

false alarm!

2010-03-27T14:39:00.003Z

Mum has rallied round. The staff think she may just have felt unwell but couldn't tell them. She's up and dressed each day and down the lounge again, she's eating and drinking better, sighs of relief all round! Still very frail though and confused - she asked me last Thursday to confirm that she and LD were MY babies!

rapids ahead

2010-03-23T03:53:00.002Z

Well I chose a great time to come off Prozac. I think mum is on her way out. Its nearly 4 am and I haven't the energy to think up a softer way of saying that. Sorry if it sounded too blunt. I've been feeling very unsettled since the care home phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that they'd had to call the doctor out as mum had refused to eat or drink anything all weekend. She now weighs 4 stones 12 (68 pounds), has low blood pressure and is very wobbly on her feet, falling into things all the time. The doctor decided it would not be in mum's best interests to admit her to hospital, thank goodness - she hated being in hospital and it would only confuse her more to take her out of her now familiar surroundings. The doctor told the staff she thought the not eating and drinking was symptomatic of mum's increasing dementia so I guess its unlikely that things are going to improve much from now on. I tried phoning the doctor to get more information but couldn't get through.

I left work early last night and went to see mum. She'd been in bed all day. The carers were just making her comfortable when I arrived. She was awake but didn't seem to recognise me - she didn't speak, other than to say 'no' when I asked her if she'd like a chocolate, hoping to tempt her into eating something. The staff said she hadn't spoken all weekend. She soon closed her eyes and they stayed shut while I drank the cup of tea the staff had brought me. I couldn't tell whether she was asleep or just resting. I couldn't talk to her, I would have had to shout for her to hear me and it didn 't seem right when she looked so tired. Instead I stroked her hair and sat close by for a while. What happens next? Uncharted territory. Going back to bed now :-(

I spoke too soon?

2010-03-22T01:31:00.002Z

Maybe I am feeling some after effects of coming off the Prozac - I have been feeling intermittently restless the past few days and today's post-prandial nap turned into a marathon (which is why I am still up at this ungodly hour) and when I finally surfaced, I felt distinctly unwell - headachey and tight-chested. Then again it could be the upheaval downstairs - Mr Lily has finally bought himself a reclining chair and has been sorting out the accumulated clutter in the front room to accommodate it. Its taken 2 days and we're still not finished, you should see the dust on the carpet where one of the sofas used to be! OK I'm off to bed now.

Saturday morning, just before dawning...

2010-03-20T04:33:00.005Z

This itching is driving me mad! It starts to come on mid-evening and continues through to morning, often waking me up in the early hours, like today. Anti-histamines and moisturising cream only work sometimes, I'm going to have to ask my doctor for something else. Ah well, you win some, you lose some - 10 pounds in 7 weeks! I'm loving the Slimming World plan - really enjoying choosing and shopping for the week's meals then cooking fresh food every day. Mr Lily thinks its great too, he's lost 12 pounds so far. You'd think a healthier diet would help my skin, maybe I'm allergic to onions and garlic which feature heavily in most recipes, lol. I can get into a size smaller skirts and jeans now and the folks at work are always commenting on my weight loss and how well I look, although I think the latter is more in comparison with how worn out I was before mum went into the home. Coming off the Prozac seems to be going well, I'm now down to a tablet every other day and not experiencing any problems. In fact, I find I'm enjoying life more these days - I often sing 'I'm aitch-A-pee-pee-why, I'm-aitch-A-pee-pee-why' to myself at random moments, finding delight in the simplest of things.

Mum is still disappearing, both in size and from the real world. Lovely daughter and I took her a card, flowers and chocolates on Mother's Day, she enjoyed it but didn't seem to grasp what was going on, I'm not even sure she knows I'm her daughter any more but she does appreciate my going to see her every week. I'm a bit concerned that she might not be getting as much care in the home as I'd like - when we went on Mother's Day, we found her in the lounge without her teeth in and no cardigan - she's such a tiny scrap of a thing now and has always felt the cold. There doesn't seem to have been any progress in getting her a new hearing aid either - goodness only knows what happened to the old one. Communication at anything less than umpteen decibels is very difficult, she must miss out on so much. Still, she seems relatively settled there, she still says she wishes she could go 'home' but is placated by my telling her 'when you're better'. The Court of Protection application is getting there, just had to pay over £650 to the solicitor for various fees and the paperwork is now completed and on its way. Half of that was the charge for the 'failed' Lasting Power of Attorney attempt - the 2 hours the solicitor spent getting the papers together only to be dismissed by a stroppy mum when he visited her at the home.

I'm hoping this weekend will be productive - the Slimming World regime has inspired me to start growing my own food- I've bought a small greenhouse and am going to plant 12 different types of herbs and a wide selection of salad leaves tomorrow. We've also ordered blueberries, chillies, garlic, peppers and other stuff I can't remember from a seed company and will plant them out in pots in the garden once they've established in the greenhouse. I'm getting quite good at using the exercise bike whilst watching TV and this weekend hope to sort my bike out so that I can start cycling to work next week. I'm determined to reach my target of 8 stones 11 pounds by the time I go on holiday in August - that will mean I've lost 3 stones!

PS...I've beaten my Farmville addiction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the news at 4

2010-02-21T03:37:00.006Z

Well here I am at daft o'clock again, driven from my cosy bed by Mr Lily's fight with his sleep apnoea machine. What with his gurgling and gasping and its whooshing, it sounds like happy hour at the hippopotamus bar. In a moment or two I'll head on over to Farmville (definitely OCD, lol) but thought I'd better log the Incredible Shrinking Lilys' progress first. After a good start at Slimming World and slavishly following the plan, our third weigh-in was a big disappointment - we'd both put on half a pound! I found hunger between main meals was my problem, and went through tons of fruit to keep the pangs at bay. The next week I tried eating a bigger breakfast - the usual porridge and berries but also scrambled egg on toast. That and a 'light' cereal bar for mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks seemed to leave me much more satisfied and on our fourth weigh-in last week, I'd lost two and half pounds and Mr Lily had lost three! I'm hoping for the same this week, then I'll have lost half a stone.

No change with mum but there is slow progress on the Court of Protection front. I finally managed to get all the financial information together and complete my part of the paperwork. The solicitor has written to mum's doctor for her report and to mum's bank with a copy of the first invoice from the home, asking them to pay it . I'm hopeful that things will get going now. Lovely daughter and I are going to see mum today and take her some toiletries and sweets. Dementia can be a blessing. Mum always used to say that if she couldn't keep herself clean, she wouldn't want to live. Thank goodness she's mostly oblivious to the fact that she often has 'accidents' now and needs someone to help her on and off the toilet. My turn last week - really, its just like caring for an elderly toddler a lot of the time. Sad.

I think our lovely dog may have dementia too, lol. She's nearly fifteen and still full of beans but now doesn't give us her usual signals for when she needs the loo, she tends just to look wistfully at us for a few seconds and then wander off. There have been quite a few 'accidents' (which Mr Lily side steps on account of his 'delicate' stomach, wuss). She's also becoming very 'wandersome' (a phrase I picked up when mum was in hospital) - I'm for ever having to get up to open doors for her as she does a circuit of the house and garden. We love her though and hope she stays with us for a few more years yet.

I've started to come off Prozac. My doctor advised I do it slowly so I've worked out a reduction chart for three months. Fingers crossed.

fair weather blogging

2010-02-07T13:48:00.004Z

*hangs head in shame*

Funny, isn't it. When life was a trial, I was always blogging. Now that the sun is breaking through, I don't feel the need to keep the world (lol) updated. Lots of reasons for this mostly welcome turn of events:

Mr Lily and I have joined Slimming World! (And if you knew Mr Lily, you'd appreciate what a gobsmackingly courageous act of desperation this was!) I think the clincher was when we discovered at the first weigh-in that our scales at home have been flattering us to the tune of more than half a stone - we were both HORRIFIED! Fortunately it has been the kick up the arse we both needed to lose weight and we've thrown ourselves into the new regime with gusto. I'm planning Slimming World recipes and shopping for the ingredients at the weekend and then cooking meals EVERY night! (Mr Lily can't believe his luck - he's used to be served something out of a frozen packet.) I'm also making sure we each have a healthy breakfast and I eat sensibly, including lots of fruit, at work. Last week was our second weigh in and I'd lost 2.5 pounds, Mr Lily 3.5 pounds (grrr). He was the only man at the meeting and to his surprise, enjoyed himself. I'm really into this cooking healthy food lark, you should see my fridge! and am even getting quite excited about the prospect of growing some of our own vegetables this year, once the garden is reorganised.
Mum is not doing too badly in the home although lately she is mostly preoccupied with her relationship with her father - she doesn't know why he hates her and is dreading going home to him when she leaves the hospital. She thinks her brother or old neighbours might take her in, she says she will have to get a job and wishes she'd never joined the forces. She's stuck somewhere in the 1940s, with people who passed away long ago. I'm not even sure she knows what relation I am to her any more. I've spoken to one of the carers about this as I've read that dementia is often accompanied by depression - she's already on a low dose of anti-depressants but they're going to speak to the doctor about maybe increasing the strength of the tablets. Still no progress with completing the papers for the Court of Protection - I'm having trouble getting up-to-date information about mum's financial affairs from the various building societies - so I'm going to hand over the job to the solicitor. I've had the first invoice from the home - £6.5K which I'm hoping the local council will pay (to be reimbursed later), if not I'll have to use my savings. Ah well.
I spend most of my computer leisure time on Facebook these days (as at least two of you know full well!), mostly to play Farmville to which I have become enslaved. It doesn't leave much time to attend to this little blog and I did think of wrapping it up but will try to keep it going. I have a feeling I may have more 'home' time on my hands in the near future - my knees are feeling their age, especially the right one - I have a pronounced limp at the moment, I'm going to have to get it looked at.

mum, and me

2010-01-19T01:43:00.008Z

Mum first. Went to see her last week on my own, how brave was that! Silly but I do get very anxious about visiting her without moral support from lovely daughter - I suppose its the uncertainty of what I'll find, good mood, bad mood, no discernable mood at all. Anyway, it was fine. I found mum in the lounge with the other residents, holding hands with one of the carers! Great introduction - "is this your daughter?" (me - "yes") "eeh, you told me you didn't have any children!" Well, she thinks I'm her sister so in her mind, I suppose she's right. We stayed in the lounge for quite a bit. I was fascinated by the interactions between other residents. One old chap and one of the ladies seemed very fond of each other, they were quite physically affectionate in a tender, low key sort of way. Another lady was holding hands with a guy in a wheelchair, although I don't think he had much choice in the matter!

I persuaded mum to go with me to her room when she started her loud comments about the others - "you see him in the wheelchair? Well you have to be careful if you sit next to him, he strokes your face. He's a pest!...her over there, she's just dumb, poor thing.....I don't like that woman sat next to you at all.." I'd have gone to see her again last night but there's an outbreak of sickness and diarrhoea in the home and mum is one of the afflicted, so I was advised to wait a while. The doctor has seen her and she's doing ok, apparently he asked her to stick her tongue out and she said indignantly "I don't do that!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have turned my attentions to giving Mr Lily some much needed TLC. (Its as though being relieved of constant mum duties, I've caring to spare!) Poor thing is not well at all - lots of back pain and tiredness. I've even started cooking properly again, to his amazement - instead of raiding the freezer for ready meals, I've made double quantities of chicken casserole, vegetable stew and bolognese and frozen my home made efforts for later. I've also rescued the unused breadmaker from the attic - we'd had it years and never opened the box! I am now addicted to making my own bread - probably not a great idea when trying to lose weight, but never mind, lol. Here's my efforts so far - clockwise from top right: wholemeal, granary, white, fennel and raisin - a successful experiment!
Of course there are still some little stress clouds on the horizon. The home is now asking for payment and sent me a contract to sign as guarantor of same, which I've had to tell them my solicitor has advised against signing until the Court of Protection application has been processed successfully. Speaking of which, its unlikely to be any time soon as my solicitor wants me to get updated information on mum's finances which will take a while, judging from the phone calls I made to various building societies today. And then there's the rather scary medication issue. My last prescription for Prozac came back with a note from the doctor who wants to review it before he issues any more. Aaargh! I mean, I don't want to stay on it for ever, it has been a great help and I feel much better, but how much of that is circumstances and how much the medication? I have forewarned my boss, just in case I start acting weird in the near future. Yes, alright then, weirder.

Ye gods, look at the time - 02:12! This is what happens when you're awake at midnight because Mr Lily's sleep apnoea machine is wheezing like an asthmatic walrus and then the dog scratches at the bedroom door to be let out and then you realise you need to take an anti-histamine because the nettle devils are making an appearance and then of course you need a cup of tea to speed up the soothing process and what's a girl to do to fill in the time all this takes?

PROPER winter!

2010-01-09T11:01:00.008Z

Love it, love it, love it! This is the (mobile phone) view from my doorstep this morning.

My car is still stuck in the snow (must try to move it today) and I haven't seen mum for just over a week. Can you imagine how stressed out I'd be now if she were still at home and I either couldn't get to her or had to move in with her? Instead I can relax, safe in the knowledge she is being well cared for, and enjoy this old fashioned winter. Ahhhh, bliss :-)

Mission accomplished! It took two women, three men, a piece of old carpet, several flattened cardboard boxes and LOTS of shoving and shunting and revving and burning rubber to shift my car from where it has been stuck in the snow for the last three days, to the safety of the the village hall car park a few hundred yards up the road! This next photo is lovely daughter on her way back home up our village road after the Herculean car relocation and the one after is a view across the fields from the village hall.

Oh the weather outside is frightful.....

2010-01-06T21:30:00.007Z

...but the ~~fire~~ snow is so delightful! For the second time in as many weeks, I found myself straddling the road today. I'd managed to reverse off the drive and turn to face the entrance to the village but I *barely managed a few feet before I started slipping and sliding - the result of weeks of impacted snow turned to ice with a fresh dusting of powdery snow AND NO CHUFFING GRIT OR SALT, NORTH YORKSHIRE COUNCIL!!!!! After much reversing and futile attempts at going forwards, I ended up* pointing in the opposite direction, which being downhill, meant I could keep going and turn round in a cul-de-sac with the intention of giving myself a run at the hill leading to the main road. Huh. I went into the side road, round its little roundabout, came back onto the village road and.....(repeat from * to *).... stuck right across the road.

Fortunately Mr Lily hadn't left for work at that point so he was able to push me into a more convenient position, where I abandoned the car with an apologetic note in the window. My neighbour (the tree poisoner) then offered to tow me out of trouble with his 4 x 4. Well, you can't hold a grudge for ever. Unfortunately, today was the day I discovered that the tow pin would not attach to the chassis because some eejit in the factory had forgotten to fit a thread in the socket the pin is supposed to screw into. I phoned the dealers who sold me the car, they said they couldn't do anything until I brought it into them. How I laughed.

Anyway, silver linings and all that. I couldn't get into work without the car (no public transport where I live and I didn't fancy a five mile round trip walk in wellies to and from work) so I've had a lovely day, messing about at home and visiting a friend in the village. I even made a lemon chicken casserole from scratch! Here's some photos I took as I walked home from my friend's house......can you spot the snowy Cleveland Hills in the first picture? And yes, that is my blue car on the side of the road! I wish I'd thought to take a picture of the fox's footprints in the snow - they were all over the village!

money, money, money...

2009-12-31T08:26:00.002Z

Visited mum yesterday with beloved son (in his Xmas jumper!). She was fairly uncommunicative but now and then became more animated, once to tell us about one of the 'patients' who had hit the 'maid' and once, to my delight, to inform us that the watch she was wearing was the one the Canadian airmen had bought her during the war when she was in hospital - she thought she'd lost it but had found it again. Actually, the watch she wears is one Dad bought her. The watch she was given in the WAAFs was stolen in a burglary many years ago and it's loss has grieved her immensely ever since. That she has forgotten all about this and now thinks she still has her precious memento of 'people who thought a lot about (her)' is such an unexpected but fabulous gift of dementia.

Mum's ankles are not so swollen any more. I spoke to her nurse who told me that the blood tests came back fine so they haven't changed her medication (which she sometimes refuses to take) but they have taken some more bloods and are waiting for the results. She is eating better (she certainly is - TWO sandwiches AND a mince pie while we were there!) but has not put on a lot of weight because she's burning off the calories, being constantly on the go.

While at the home, I caught up with the finance clerk. I owe a little money for mum's incidental expenses - she goes to the hairdresser every week and has seen a chiropodist. I also discovered that the reason I hadn't been asked to pay for mum's care yet, was because they thought Social Services was footing the bill and hadn't been able to contact someone in SSD to sort it out! They're going to send me a contract to sign (agreeing I'd pay the bills) but have promised me they'll try to hold off requesting payment as long as possible - I'd explained that my solicitor is sorting out my application to be mum's deputy for her welfare and property through the Court of Protection.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you.....

2009-12-29T17:41:00.004Z

....Beloved son in his new mum-made Christmas jumper!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-23T22:03:00.003Z

I think it just might be! My lovely 'little brother' (not really but might as well be) has arrived with his partner and baby boy to spend Christmas with us! Lovely daughter and I are going to take mum's Christmas present round to her tomorrow (and visit again on Christmas Day) and together we're going to tackle cooking the Christmas Day dinner for the first time in years! (Just bought the turkey, sprouts, parsnips, potatoes, turnip (already had the carrots), cabbage, OH NO - I'VE JUST REMEMBERED I FORGOT THE YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS!!!, cranberry sauce, apple sauce (already have a joint of pork) and gravy today. Wonder what else I've forgotten? Must check the pantry for Christmas pudding, sure I saw some brandy butter in the fridge....

....Mr Lily has been tasked to purchase puddings on Christmas Eve - Yorkshire and Christmas, hopefully he'll surface before the shops have been emptied. I'm off to work now then to mum's to wrap all the Christmas presents before lovely daughter and I visit mum. I'm so excited!

snow snow snow snow snow

2009-12-22T23:20:00.002Z

I love it but it doesn't love me. It left me stranded diagonally across a narrow road in our village, totally blocking it, at 10 o'clock last night. I had to rouse a friend to push me into position so the wheels could get some purchase on the skating rink surface. I can't even get up our sloping drive at the moment. Still, its nice to have snow at Christmas. Mustn't grumble. No, really. Mustn't.

The Daft O'Clock Chronicles, continued

2009-12-20T01:45:00.002Z

Well here I am again, pounding the keys at nearly 2am, more because I don't want to go to bed than because I want to blog. I'm living a double life at the moment super-efficient, upbeat, unfaseable (is that how you spell it?) at work; distracted, obsessive, procrastinatory (!) at home. And when I'm not busy with some totally absorbing activity like knitting or xmas shopping (think I finished it today!) or playing Farmville (I know, sad), I'm sleeping for England (but not going to bed until I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open any more). Anything to keep the sticky footed 'you put your mother in a home' devil on my shoulder from catching my attention.

Went to see mum on Wednesday - she wasn't in too bad a mood but still time travelling, mostly rooted in the past with long-gone relatives but occasionally visiting the present for brief moments. She introduced me to the other residents in the lounge as her sister yet she knows my name. I suppose its pointless trying to understand what's going on in her head, its probably as much of mystery to mum as it is to me. However, 'The 36 Hour Day' book has arrived so I'm hoping it will shed some light on the subject and give me some useful coping skills.

Tomorrow, sorry - today, the plan is to tidy up the house and get the christmas tree and decorations down from the loft. That's the plan ....

tonight's visit to mum - the 'highlights'

2009-12-12T23:00:00.004Z

Why can't you take me back with you?
I'll just walk home in the dark then.

I'll have to turn to strangers for help.

You're my sister - you should be looking after me!
There's something funny going on.
You're nothing to me.
Shit out.

(and I've just remembered this one...)

What's going to happen to me when I leave here? I don't want to go back into the RAF.

sad, so sad, sometimes she feels so sad.....

2009-12-08T05:32:00.006Z

I visited mum last night after work. She was already in bed but not asleep. "I'm glad you've come" she said, "I have to get all this stuff packed up before I go home tomorrow". I offered to make her a cup of tea to change the subject and tempted her to eat two jaffa cake bars. Although mum didn't have a go at me this time, it was still an upsetting visit. So sad - she couldn't understand why her brother and sisters hadn't kept in touch with her, leaving her feeling abandoned and lonely. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were all dead, she would have forgotten within minutes anyway. She talked a lot about her "grumpy old" father who she thinks is still alive and living 'at home', she was bewildered by his apparent dislike of her. She commented "I suppose you'll be getting married soon" and was surprised to hear I already was, "I would have given you a nice wedding but I was in here" she said regretfully. (Mum and dad didn't come to my wedding 30 years ago - they didn't approve of Mr Lily.) She's contemplating getting married again, if she finds "the right one".

The staff tell me she has settled well and is eating reasonable amounts but they're monitoring her fluid intake as she's very resistant to drinking much at all. I'm going to take Mackeson and Sprite in on Thursday, to see whether she'll do better with her old favourites. They organised a second visit to the memory clinic and said she'd 'done well' but I'm not sure what they meant by that as mum is going to have a CT scan of her brain - they must suspect further deterioration. She does a lot of wandering about during the day so her ankles have swollen, she's had blood tests and depending on the results, I think they're going to alter her medication. I've asked them to take her to the hairdresser's today for a cut and perm, it will give her a boost.

Although I'm not as acutely stressed as I used to be, now that mum is safe and getting the care she needs, I'm still not functioning properly. I'm often up in the early hours, unable to sleep, and mostly feel a bit 'flat' which dulls the pleasure of socialising. I wish mum were happy. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty.

Catch-up

2009-11-27T17:28:00.002Z

Strange how difficult I find it to update the blog. Things have definitely improved but I still feel unsettled - my knitting addiction is coming a close second to the new drug of choice - Farmville on Facebook - its as though I need to be busy doing something every second of the day or who knows what demons will sneak into my mind. Here's how mum's being in residential care is going:

PROS

Mum is well thought of by the staff and she seems to get on with them
She is eating slightly better and has put on a little bit of weight
She is rarely very distressed about being in the home but I think its because she often thinks she's just visiting instead of living there
I no longer get palpitations when the phone rings because I know it won't be mum with a new disaster
I have more free time because I generally visit only twice a week for no more than an hour at a time
Lovely daughter and beloved son do their bit and visit mum as much as possible

CONS

Its hard knowing how to deal with the 'can you drop me off home' requests at the end of the visit - oddly enough its harder than when mum has a right go at me for 'plotting' to put her into the home (hasn't happened as much lately). Apparently Princess Anne offered her a ride home but she didn't take her up on it.
Mum has developed some strange habits - the other day she 'clouted' a woman at the dinner table who she said had hit her first - she told us the story over and over with much glee!
She pinched someone's wedding ring when she thought she had lost her own!
She has also taken to spitting on the floor - something she would have regarded as absolutely disgusting once upon a time.
The finances still aren't sorted out. The home hasn't billed me yet but I'm still waiting for the solicitor to send me the paperwork for the courts.

Ok, that's me done for now. I'll try to post more often.

back in the saddle

2009-11-14T06:45:00.006Z

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting on my blog, your support is a great comfort. I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while - seems ages but its only just over a week! I couldn't bring myself to put fingers to keys, I don't know why. Anyhoo......

Mum's birthday was a great success. The home made a big fuss of her, they'd put 'Happy 90th Birthday!' banners all round the dining room and provided party food as well as a birthday cake. They turned off the lights and brought the cake in for her to blow out the candles spelling out her name. The flower arrangement I ordered from Interflora arrived during the day and is still cheering up her room - a selection of yellow and orange blooms in a brown wicker basket. Lovely daughter, beloved son and I went over at tea-time and found her sitting with other residents in the lounge in just a thin nightie so we took her back to her room to open her cards and presents and put something warmer on. She ended up in the cardigan I made her ages ago (see also photo on 8th December post) that's been languishing in the wardrobe ever since. Once securely buttoned up, she said "this is the last thing I knitted"!!! and it has been a firm favourite ever since. Ah bless, lol. She loved the Thorntons chocolates and the bouquet and bottle of Tia Maria from BS - she had two glasses and was reluctant to go to bed when we left so we parked her back in the lounge, happy as Larry.

On Sunday, LD and BS visited mum again and I went after work on Monday night. She was already in bed but not asleep and delighted to see me! She thought it was a huge treat to have a cup of tea in bed, not to mention 3 of the birthday chocolates that she'd forgotten she had. She even drank a second cup of tea (about a quarter of a cup really) - I think she'd forgotten the first one. She seemed quite content and has enjoyed going to painting classes in the home (she says her "schoolteacher makes a fuss" of her) but when I reminded her that she had painted one of the pictures on her wall, she also claimed authorship of dad's painting on the other side of the window!

LD and I went again on Thursday night, I took a bunch of bananas as I knew mum would eat them. She was in bed again but in a right strop. She'd had a "terrible time", it was an awful place, etc etc. On the pretence of going to make her a cup of tea, I collared one of the staff for an explanation - apparently an unfamiliar member of staff had taken mum to her Memory Clinic appointment that day and she had refused to answer any of the questions without her solicitor present! When I returned to her room she said "school was awful today, I don't think I'll go tomorrow." Little does she know they're going to have another crack at it next week, with one of the staff she knows well. Good luck for that! Mum cheered up really quickly though and enjoyed her 'surprise' chocolates again. She is eating a little better now and has put on a bit of weight. Her memory is shocking, literally! She still thinks her father and all her siblings are alive (and a lot younger) and although she knows LD's, BS's and my names, I'm not convinced that she knows what our relationship is to her. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks we're her contemporaries, all young adults together.

I do feel reassured that mum is in the right place. She seems happier than she's been in years and the staff tell me they're very fond of her. After discussing the power of attorney issue with mum's nurse, we agreed that she doesn't have the capacity to understand/give her consent to it so I've bitten the bullet and instructed the solicitor to start the process of applying to the Office of the Public Guardian. It will cost me over £3,000 but the peace of mind will be worth it.

LD is excited. She's going to rent mum's bungalow next year and is already having practise stay-overs and planning decor! It's the perfect solution for all of us, she will have her independence (at special family rates, lol), I will have a good tenant and mum's property will be looked after.

XC

2009-11-06T08:43:00.003Z

Mum is 90 today. Beloved son is coming up from Nottingham and we're going to meet lovely daughter at the home at tea-time. I hope she has a good day today - when LD and I visited on Monday, the care staff said they'd put on a party for her and I've arranged for a huge bouquet to be delivered. Mum is starting to settle better - she's eating properly!!! and joining the other residents in the lounge, she hasn't spit out her medication or kicked anyone recently lol and takes herself off to her room after meals for a nap. She has stopped blaming me for putting her in the home and seems to think it was her decision, although she still says that she'll go home when 'they' say she can. On Monday night she even asked the carer for help getting ready for bed which suggests she's feeling more comfortable with her new surroundings. She does look frail though and her memory is getting worse and worse. I've decided not to tell her missing relatives have died any more, its too upsetting for her, I'll just feign ignorance and suggest they'll be visiting soon.

Despite the break from daily visiting (twice a week now), getting my weekends back and the comfort of knowing she's never on her own, the whole situation is still stressing me out subconsciously - this week I've woken Mr Lily a few times, shouting out or crying in my sleep - unusual for me, I can't always remember why. I am tired all the time still and will be glad when the power of attorney thing is sorted. Roll on the cruise!

Bleary eyed

2009-10-30T19:35:00.005Z

I'm really tired so just a quick update. Lovely daughter and I went to see mum last night but she was already in bed and asleep when we arrived. We had a long chat with the staff who told us that although she's generally very quiet and just tootles up and down the corridors all day and spends time with other residents in the lounge, she won't eat with them so they have to leave finger foods in her room for her. She's also been rather naughty - she has been spitting out her tablets, said to one of the carers "look at the size of you, you're fat aren't you!" and on another occasion kicked and hit out at a member of staff!

I left this photo of mum's mother on her chair with a note saying we'd visited. The picture is larger and clearer than the old faded (only) one she has, so I'm hoping she likes it.

deep breaths

2009-10-27T00:15:00.002Z

Mum was in a grumpy mood today. She was not pleased to see me and refused to talk to the solicitor about power of attorney. We're going to wait a couple of weeks to see whether she mellows, if not its going to cost an arm and a leg to take it to court.

this blog in a nutshell

2009-10-26T00:12:00.003Z

Thanks to Greg for the link to Wordle. (You need to click on the picture to see it in all it's glory.)

the post I wrote on Saturday

2009-10-24T22:21:00.003+01:00

I phoned mum's nurse on Friday morning to express my concerns. She assured me that mum was taking most of her medication and getting a good night's sleep. She had refused painkillers and the anti-nausea tablet which explains why she told me she was feeling sickly on Thursday. It seems likely that the cause of her 'exhaustion' was joining in the painting activities, making Halloween decorations. However, her food and drink intake is a major concern so the nurse will be calling in the dietician. She thinks mum needs lots of TLC to settle into the home so has asked the carers to spend as much time as possible with her. I hope it has an effect.

I was up early this morning but went back to bed after an hour or so and didn't get up again until after 4pm! I needed the rest and as a result have nearly finished Mr Lily's books! Just a little tweaking tomorrow and they're ready for the accountant.

I have ripped the multi-coloured mohair circular cardigan I was knitting. I was frogging as much as I knitted, such was my inability to concentrate over the last few months, and I decided I didn't like it after all. I think I'll start on a jumper for my son next, hopefully in time for Christmas, or if not, in time for his birthday in February.

Maybe Logan's Run had the right idea

2009-10-22T21:00:00.003+01:00

Mum was just as angry tonight but distressed too. Why was I doing this to her, I was just a parrot for repeating that the doctor had said she needed to be in a care home, she wished she'd had a bigger family then she might have had a good one, her mother/my father would be horrified if they knew what I'd done, why couldn't I take her home and leave her there, she would write to her aunt who would understand - "Auntie N died a long time ago" - I say that about everyone.

The care staff told me she was refusing medication and hardly eating, her eyelids were red as though she'd not slept/been crying. She said she'd had an exhausting day but wouldn't tell me what she'd been doing (and I forgot to ask the staff). I made her a cup of tea and she joined me in the dining room/kitchen to drink it and continue berating me. Another resident came in and sat quietly with us so I made her a cup of tea too, hoping that her company would have a beneficial effect on mum. It didn't. Mum said she didn't want to see me again. She accosted the ward manager in her office to complain about her situation and didn't believe her either when she told mum that it was the doctor, not I, that had insisted on her going into care because she couldn't look after herself at home.

I gave the manager the family tree I'd put together for reminiscence sessions and an appointment for mum at the memory clinic and left, feeling very low. I hope mum's GP was right about the 6 weeks acceptance point. In the meantime I'm not optimistic about Monday's visit with the solicitor.

New beginnings

2009-10-22T03:37:00.005+01:00

The move was confirmed for Monday so I spent the last day of my sick leave dashing to and fro - first to a friend's to use her tumble drier for mum's last load of washing then to the hospital to drop off mum's discharge clothes - she would be leaving some time after 2pm. Next to the nursing home with all mum's bits and pieces to make her room seem familiar and homely. Her clothes, shoes, photographs,letters and towels went into the wardrobe; one of her paintings and one of dad's went up on the wall; her cut glass dressing table set and photos of the grandchildren on the chest of drawers next to the bed; tissues, underwear, tights, hats, scarves and gloves in the drawers; a silk flower arrangement, her crinoline lady toilet roll cover, makeup, perfume, flannel, towel, shampoo, toothbrush and toothpaste went into the en-suite; small ornaments on the window sill and zimmer frame by the bed. I also swapped the home's bed linen for her own quilt cover and matching pillow case. I realised more space was needed for the other family photos she used to have on display at home and for her calendar clock and favourite books so I dashed up to the bungalow (about 2 miles away) and brought back the bedside table that dad made. Then it was back to my friend's for a late lunch and moral support and to collect the dry washing before some last minute errands in town.

By this time, around 4pm, I was feeling very nervous about the prospect of facing mum at the home and decided to wait until lovely daughter finished work so we could go together. We took a 'good luck in your new home' card and a box of chocolate liqueurs. Mum was in her room, sitting in a high-backed chair like Queen Victoria on her throne. She was not amused. She berated me and LD for the terrible thing we'd done to her - putting her into "a mental home", she was fearless in her fury - asking the care staff at her door what they were whispering about and why people were "grinning" at each other. We spent a very long time trying to explain the benefits of being in the home but she did not want to be persuaded. I could just forget about her now, I needn't visit again, she wouldn't stay there, she would leave her money to someone who cared. The nurse who had assessed mum in the hospital said she couldn't believe the transformation from canny little old lady to battleaxe but she was very good humoured and well used to letting insults fly over her head. She gave me a 'living will' form to complete on mum's behalf (aargh!)and promised to arrange a hairdresser's appointment for mum and for the optician and audiologist to visit her (hopefully to provide a better quality hearing aid).

Back to work on Tuesday after 5 weeks off. I telephoned the home on the morning to check how mum had been, expecting to hear she had been restless and was sulking in her room. The nurse told me mum had slept right through the night, had joined other residents in the dining room for breakfast and was last seen in the lounge! My feet left the ground as the mum-shaped millstone hurtled heavenwards from my shoulders. Maybe it was going to be alright after all! On the afternoon I bent the chaplain's ear over the uncomfortable issue of the living will, especially the bit about 'if my heart stops, I do/not wish to be resuscitated'. We had a long talk which eased my mind a little.

On Wednesday lunchtime I went to see our solicitor to discuss lasting power of attourney for mum's medical care and property. Still very confused about what it all means but the solicitor was very reassuring. We are going to meet at the home on Monday morning to talk to mum about it. Apparently, he has to ask her about her end of life wishes, so that will make it easier for me to complete the home's form. I just hope mum is in a good mood when we go, if her consent can not be obtained, I'm facing a long and even more expensive court process.

I'm going to visit mum on my own tonight. Which may explain why I'm up blogging at daft o'clock again.

Moving on

2009-10-17T21:32:00.004+01:00

I went to see a third nursing home on Thursday. Fairly new, purpose built, ticked ALL the boxes. Only one free room, with the same number as mum's home address - meant to be! En-suite toilet and wash basin, lovely view from the window onto this courtyard:She should be moving in on Monday or soon after - just waiting for the home to obtain a special 'alarmed' mattress that senses when mum gets up in the night and alerts the staff.

Visited mum today with lovely daughter and told her the plan. She didn't remember the home's representative coming to assess her yesterday but didn't seem distressed. That may be just because she's so weak. Its as though she's slowly disappearing, shrinking, losing her memory - I have to tell her every day that her sisters and brother have died. She looks so frail and vulnerable. I am desperately sorry for her. All the difficult years in our relationship are melting away, unimportant against the closeness we have now. I hope it lasts until the end.

Wednesday's child is full of woe, again

2009-10-14T16:29:00.008+01:00

Spent most of this morning avoiding getting on with the business of packing up everything mum might need in the care home, finished about an hour ago.......

Shortly before the last wrapped nicknack went in the box, someone from the second care home rang. She was at the hospital to do her assessment of mum (who was fast asleep) and had gone through the medical notes but there was a problem - the CPN had said mum needed EMI nursing care. The home does general nursing care and has EMI residents but does not do EMI nursing. WTF?! I'm getting really frustrated now. The care home person said she'd speak to mum's social worker to clarify the situation, especially as mum's notes said she was quite settled. I do hope I don't have to start looking at more homes. Sigh.

Aaaaargh!

2009-10-13T14:46:00.004+01:00

Mum's social worker has just phoned - can't go ahead with my first choice of nursing home because the Primary Care Trust has withdrawn funding due to concerns about the standard of care at that home! Seems they may have been economical with the truth when they told me there was a block on admissions due to problems with an ex-resident, which would all be sorted by this week :-(

I've asked the SW'er to approach my second choice and am keeping my fingers crossed there are no more skeletons in the cupboard.

Barginz!

2009-10-12T09:43:00.005+01:00

I'm going to give this a go! Thanks for the info Susan!

I made the right decision

2009-10-12T08:45:00.003+01:00

It is time for mum to be in residential care. I know this now, after yesterday's visit.

I thought there was an odour when I arrived on the ward but there often is, considering most of the patients are bedridden. Mum was asleep and when she woke up I took her down to the cafe for a cup of tea. She was perfectly calm. After five minutes or so, she wanted the loo so we went into the public toilets on the main corridor. OMG! Everywhere. I did my best to clean her up and took her straight back to the ward where I asked a nurse to give her a proper wash and change her clothes. I'm not sure mum fully understood what had happened, she was grumpy after the nurse had finished, as if she'd undergone an unnecessary procedure. Thank goodness for dementia - mum used to say that she wouldn't want to live if she couldn't keep herself clean, she would have been mortified if she'd realised.

the deed is done

2009-10-09T22:41:00.004+01:00

I visited two dual registration nursing homes today, both in an area quite close to where mum grew up (and where she now thinks her home is), so hopefully she will feel more settled there, especially as she will be able to keep her current doctor. Both homes had a 'good' rating from the Care Quality Commission and were the nearest of their type to where I live. The first was a converted couple of large Victorian houses and I felt it was a little warren-like and claustrophobic. Also the lounge area had seating all around the perimeter, not so conducive to socialising.

The second was much newer and airier.
I was impressed by the facilities and the warmth and experience of the member of staff who showed me (and an 'expert' home-carer friend) round, so I chose this one. I phoned the social worker so she could arrange for the nursing home to assess mum, it should be ok, I'd already given them much of the information they needed and no problems were identified. Apparently, mum could move in the day after a positive assessment so perhaps this time next week or not long after.....

After initial nervousness and then adrenalin fuelled fact finding, I now feel rather flat and apprehensive. I'm dreading the whole moving mum in thing, even worse, the leaving mum in the home for the first time moment. This is just awful. Despite the consensus of the hospital doctor, social worker, community psychiatric nurse and Primary Care Trust, arranging for mum to go into a nursing home feels as though its all my doing, particularly as I've been thinking she would be better off in residential care for a long time. Who am I kidding - I'd be better off (emotionally/physically) if mum were in residential care. I didn't visit mum today. Couldn't face it.

Thursday

2009-10-09T01:20:00.003+01:00

Mum was very down tonight, her low mood seemed to have set in long before she asked me where she could go after leaving hospital (she didn't seem to remember that she had a home of her own, the bungalow). I was truthful with her - I didn't feel there was any other option, and tried to put a 'retirement' home in the best light possible in the hope that she would eventually become reconciled to the idea. It wasn't the answer she'd hoped for (ie for her to live with me) and in her eyes was proof that nobody cared or wanted her. She kept referring to relatives who had died as people who would take her in. Having to remind her they'd passed and repeat the hospital-to-care home scenario over and over again (her short-term memory is really poor now) only added to her depression. She said several times that it would have been better if she'd died. I do feel desperately sorry for her. I just hope I'm doing the right thing and it will work out alright. I'm going to start looking at nursing homes tomorrow. I hope I find a good one quickly.

on the slow train

2009-10-08T10:07:00.003+01:00

I have another fortnight's sick note thank goodness, I'm exhausted. Mum has exhibited some bizarre behaviour lately, in addition to her journey back into the past. The staff nurse told me she tried to sit on a patient's visitor's legs the other day and refused to move, even when the patient's family were telling her to go back to her own bed! I don't know whether it was that incident getting mixed up in her mind, but when I visited her later, she was adamant there'd been an altercation with the same people over their wanting me to entertain their guests and provide them with cakes?!

On Tuesday I met with the social worker to help compile her report and yesterday we both met with a member of the Primary Care Team for another long assessment meeting, this time to determine whether mum's needs qualified her for a financial contribution from the PCT towards the cost of her residential care. Mum scored high in some areas, eg nutrition (she's now just under 5 stones) and came out as a borderline case. I have been instructed to look for a nursing home with dual registration, ie elderly and dementia care. There aren't that many in our area to choose from. I also phoned a solicitor yesterday to discuss the problem of gaining access to mum's bank account to pay for residential care as I don't have power of attourney. He advised me that once mum is in a home he would be happy to visit her and if she seems to understand and agree that this arrangement needs to be made, he can go ahead. If not, we'll have to pursue another route via the bank or the courts. Urggh.

Today the doctor will make a formal assessment of mum's capacity to make decisions about her future care, I think its unlikely she will agree to residential care so he will say that she does not have the capacity but residential care would be in her best interests. If she refuses, another assessment will have to be done under the new Deprivation of Liberty legislation. This afternoon's visit to mum will be interesting, will I be greeted by Dr Jekyll or Mrs Hyde?

second hand Lily

2009-10-06T01:34:00.008+01:00

I found these wonderful things at a charity shop today....

This is behind me, keeping an eye on my nocturnal nattering.
The detail is amazing (click on the photo to see what I mean) and it was only £3!

And this is part of a long strip of beautiful, silky material that is now an elegant dust cover for the clothes in the wardrobe-without-a-door in the little bedroom.

The calm before the storm

2009-10-06T00:15:00.005+01:00

After a couple of weeks of placid mum, I had two days of grouchy mum, complaining bitterly about the lack of care on the ward (at teatime 'they haven't given us any food all day!') and wanting to go 'home'. Non-PC mum also played a blinder - a black male nurse was keeping watch on A and V - two very poorly patients with a tendency to try to get out of bed; he was mostly seated near them but occasionally got up to manoeuvre them gently back into a comfortable position or allay their anxieties. If mum referred to 'that darky over there' once, she said it half a dozen times in her deaf person's loud voice, despite my telling her she was being rude. She insisted on commentating on her interpretation of the situation - he was lazy just sitting there all the time doing nothing, he was wearing a white coat so he would look official and then(with amazement, after I'd told her umpteen times he was a nurse) he must work here! He must have heard her but showed no sign of it, we exchanged pleasantries and he voluntarily helped me get mum from the chair onto the bed and sorted out her dirty laundry for me. He deserves a medal, I'll bet my mum isn't the only racist geriatric he has to deal with.

Yesterday she was back to cheery mum and especially enjoyed her wheelchair trip to the hospital cafe with me and lovely daughter for a cup of tea (wish I'd thought of it sooner, gave us something new to do and certainly made the time pass quickly).

A member of the ward staff phoned this afternoon. Mum was very anxious and agitated, could I talk to her on the phone and come to see her asap? As anticipated, mum couldn't really hear me but she was cross and confused. She said she'd been asking them to ring me to tell me where she was, as though I didn't know, and wanted me to go there straight away and take her home. The assistant said she'd check with the staff nurse whether it would be best for me to visit or stay away. The SN came back on the phone and said that as mum had now settled on her bed, it might disrupt her again if I went, so I didn't! Freedom!!

I'm going to see my GP tomorrow to renew my sick note (still have only half a brain, if that) and then I have to go to the hospital to meet mum's social worker and go through her assessment report. Then on Wednesday there's a meeting on the ward to determine what kind of residential care mum needs. Flak jacket at the ready.......

Progress!

2009-09-30T14:26:00.002+01:00

What a small world - I've just had a phone call from the woman who has been assessing mum and its only someone I worked with many years ago! She believes that mum does not have the capacity to make the decision about her future care, she scored very poorly on the memory and cognition tests and today thought she was still in school! We agreed that a dual facility home (elderly and EMI care) would be best for mum. She will pass her recommendation on to the social worker who will get in touch with me. Now we just have to break it to mum :-(

from one invalid to another

2009-09-30T09:45:00.005+01:00

I've found it difficult to post every day, I'm so tired (still on sick leave) and progress with moving mum on has been very slow. I finally met her doctor when I visited on Monday. He said that her CT scan showed some brain shrinkage and a small clot at the back of her brain which probably wouldn't affect her much. He agreed that she needed 24 hour care and that she did not have the capacity to make the decision herself. At that point he was waiting for the results of a psychiatric assessment. One of the nurses told me that the CPN had been yesterday and would return today. Hopefully this will speed things up although I am worried that they won't get a true picture of mum's mental state as she's so deaf. She's still forgetting that her siblings and other significant people in her life have died, even though she remembers going to their funerals when I remind her of the details. She's also still talking about going back to the street she lived in over 60 years ago and worrying there'll be no-one left that she knows.

Mum also had a fall yesterday (she said she didn't remember it) - apparently she took herself off to the toilet, using a zimmer frame, and on turning the corner fell into the laundry cupboard opposite the loo. Fortunately the door was open and the floor covered with piles of laundry so she couldn't have wished for a softer landing!

This is such a brilliant post!

2009-09-27T08:30:00.001+01:00

same old, same old

2009-09-24T22:39:00.004+01:00

Still visiting mum every day, 4-5pm or 6-7pm, depending on when I can get my act together. Mum still spending most of her time snoozing, she rarely wants to sit up when I arrive but generally stays awake and will make occasional comments. She doesn't seem to mind the silences when we run out of things to say, I think she's somewhere else in her head. In the last week she's forgotten that her brother and sister died last year, not to mention her father who she thought was still 'at home'. Today, out of the blue, she said 'I'll be finished school by the time I get out of here'. She's still eating only tiny amounts and not taking much of her build-up drinks. As far as I know, she still hasn't seen the CPN for a mental state assessment, without which I won't know what type of residential care is needed. I must remember to phone her social worker tomorrow for an update.

ward sisters

2009-09-21T23:02:00.004+01:00

I have found a new family since mum has been hospitalised. I and the other daughters visiting their mums on Ward 12 are becoming our own support group. We share our concerns and laughter, update each other on what's been happening in our absence and look out for the patients who have no visitors. There's A in the far corner, so pale and frail and determined to escape her bed - one of the visitors regularly goes over to hold her hand and talk to her to settle her down. When necessary, we call the nurse. Then there's M, to mum's right, she has a beautiful smile and is mostly content to doze or read but occasionally becomes frightened for no obvious reason and clutches the side bars on her bed. We keep an eye out for her too.

Poor D in the bed opposite mum died quietly only an hour after her elderly brother had been to see her, I was there on the afternoon visit and felt annoyed on her behalf - her brother seemed to be ignoring her, spending all his time talking to the daughter of the patient in the next bed while D stared bleakly ahead or rested her head on her arms on the table in front of her. I was told later that the curtains were drawn round all the beds while the doctors attended her and she was taken from the ward; apparently mum was very distressed by this and insisted on sitting with the visitors at the bed on her left, demanding that her daughter (me) be contacted to call the police because "something's not right here!" The lady on mum's left seems to be the liveliest on the ward, a low blood pressure problem I think. The last patient, in the far right corner, rarely lifts her head from her pillow but has two daughters who take turns to spend every visiting time with her.

I think mum is giving up. The nurse told me today that she's hardly eating anything, I suspected as much as the last few visits she has preferred to spend most of her time lying down, not talking a great deal and certainly no sign of the old spitfire, in fact she seems pleased to see me! When she does talk, she sometimes appears confused, tonight I was astonished and dismayed to hear her wonder aloud why her brother hadn't been to see her. I had to tell her he'd passed away (we both went to his funeral), she didn't remember.

These are such strange times. I visit mum and hold her hand and stroke her hair and make her comfortable and its as though I finally have the mother/daughter relationship I always wanted, warm and tender. Now when there's so little time left and more than likely just before the storm aka 'going into residential care', I struggle to understand how I feel, especially when I return home and Mr Lily, thinking he is being supportive, continues to berate mum for all the stress of the past years. I know I've done my fair share of mum 'bashing' but it still makes uncomfortable listening.

I'm back at the doctor's tomorrow, for my official sick note. I'm going to ask him about a counsellor. I think its time.

Other stuff

2009-09-19T06:05:00.009+01:00

I wonder how many people coping with depression find an affinity with knitting? I've just read Franklin's latest post and realised that he and I are in the same leaky boat (although his paddling skills are far superior to mine!). When stressed and trying to clear my mind of worries, concentrating on a project soothes me. Searching for beautiful yarns is a real pleasure and finding the perfect pattern brings small, perfectly formed moments of calm. Knitting is such an accurate emotional barometer too. I know when I'm super stressed because I get a bit OCD about it, when I'm really struggling the frogging rate triples.

I indulged in some retail therapy yesterday with a good friend who's also on sick leave at the moment. I found this wonderful bargain (£10) in a charity shop, it weighs a ton!:I've given it a clean but it could do with a proper going over. Today I plan to buy more brass polish and some new heads for my electric toothbrush - a combination of the two should get into all those little crook and nannies!

itchy and scratchy

2009-09-16T01:50:00.004+01:00

I was exhausted at work on Monday and went home on the afternoon to get some sleep before visiting mum. She was in a good mood - still looking forward to going home but fairly settled. The welcome change still didn't save me from the nettle devils later that night so again I was up until daft o'clock.

Tuesday saw yet another dying swan impression and I agreed with my line manager that I would take some time off on sick leave following Wednesday's appointment with my GP. It felt good to be rid of the pressure to keep on top of the mountain of work that was steadily engulfing me. I visited mum on the evening. She was morose, back to pleading with me to take her home - I could just shut her in a room, she'd be no trouble, she'd die in that place if she stayed there, and so on. Yet she seemed to have lost her spark, her voice was weak and she looked as though she had lost even more weight. I'm afraid that if she doesn't rally soon, she may not even make it to residential care.

I went to bed early, slathered in moisturiser, to stave off the nettle devils but they woke me up in the early hours. At least I'll be able to get more anti-histamines in six hours time.

groundhog day

2009-09-13T19:56:00.003+01:00

Having been perfectly pleasant to staff all day, mum gave me hell all through the hour long visit. So much so that the embarrassed old lady in the next bed felt she was intruding and zimmered off to the other side of the ward where I could hear the patients discussing us, saying 'I feel sorry for the daughter!'. Had a chat afterwards with mum's named nurse who was very sympathetic. Should know more tomorrow, after the doctor has done his rounds.

light relief

2009-09-13T02:24:00.002+01:00

Today lovely daughter and I visited mum. She was on good form but still expecting to be able to go home at some point. I decided not to rain on her parade just yet. She's on a ward that's a step up from the previous one, where lots of occupational therapy and physiotherapy will be offered to aid rehabilitation. There's a lovely view of the Cleveland Hills from the ward window but I'm not sure mum's eyesight is good enough to appreciate it, they do look a lot cloudier these days (mum's eyes, not the hills) - I think cataracts are developing.

As we were driving away from the hospital, LD suddenly exclaimed "Oh my god!" and said she'd seen a man tugging on his todger in full view of the main road. Of course we had to double back to have another look just to check :-) Sure enough, laid down on the path at the side of a very busy main road was a guy, naked from the waist down, his meat and two veg enjoying the rays of the afternoon sunshine. We turned round and drove past again on our way home, he was then sitting up and rummaging around between his legs. He looked under the influence of something. We decided to do the good citizen thing and phoned the police, an hilarious exercise in itself, given the subject matter. Then we thought we'd better go back again to check whether the police had turned up - in all seriousness we were worried that some outraged local might take the law into their own hands. The police were with him (his trousers were back on) and we introduced ourselves as the reporters. It turns out that he was well known to the police, had still been semi-naked when they arrived, was drunk and had messed himself. LD has to give a formal statement describing what she saw, as the guy is claiming he was just cleaning himself up.

Don't you just love life's little surprises? lol

crash landing

2009-09-11T22:40:00.004+01:00

So much has happened in the last 36 hours, I struggle to remember everything. I finally got in touch with the social worker on Thursday afternoon and arranged for us to meet at mum's on Friday morning to try to persuade her to go into residential care.

Thursday night. I went round to mum's after work, she had phoned me a few times to check I was coming. It didn't take her long to have a go at me and tell me to leave. I'd only been home a short while before the phone rang - the neighbourhood watch woman had been asked by mum's 86 year old neighbour to intervene because mum's constant phoning and visiting her to vent all her anxieties was getting her down. NWW was very forceful, I felt on the defensive as she went through all the concerns the neighbours had about mum and that she shouldn't be left alone. I explained about mum's care package and that I didn't feel it would be helpful if I went over given mum's feelings about me at that point. NWW said she'd ring Care Link and ask them to send someone to sit with mum.

NWW rang back, CL didn't provide that kind of service (I knew that). I went to mum's with an overnight bag. NWW was still there. Bloody do-gooders. lol. Before leaving she said CL had phoned the on-call doctor. A doctor came out and was very forthright with mum, told her if she stayed at home and went on as she was, she would starve herself to death. He urged her to consider the benefits of a nursing home. Mum was not impressed, more fuel for the 'plot to shove (her) in a home' fire. He diagnosed a mild water infection and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Mum kept asking me "why are you doing this to me?" Finally got to bed around midnight. Heard mum get up in the early hours for the toilet but otherwise uneventful. I was up about 6.30, mum a little later.

(I forgot, somewhere along the way, a doctor from mum's GP's surgery phoned and decided he didn't need to come out there and then but would ask mum's doctor to visit her on Friday morning.)

The day started off quite amicably, I even washed mum's hair. Then the social worker and her colleague arrived. I took the opportunity to dash to the chemist for the antibiotics and when I returned mum was in full furious flow. They'd already broached the care home issue. No matter how hard I tried to explain why people were concerned about her and why a home would be good for her, she took it as proof of my betrayal and utter failure as a daughter. I was close to tears. As the social worker wanted to wait for the GP, I left them with mum for half an hour while I took a break and did some shopping.

I missed the doctor. She had left a prescription for the anxiolytic Lorazepam (telling mum they were vitamins), the hope being that in a few days time, a calmer mum might look more favourably on residential care. I phoned her, as requested, and she told me that if it didn't pan out that way, mum would have to be sectioned, for her own safety. Depressing thought.

The afternoon passed fairly peacefully, thanks to the Lorazepam. I explained to mum about not bothering her neighbour. The carer came and made her some tea, most of which ended up in the bin. I gave mum her evening medication including the second Lorazepam and, as she seemed quite settled and the carer would be returning in a few hours, took my leave just before 6pm, promising to return on Saturday. I did feel a little uneasy, in case the medication made her drowsy and unsteady and she fell going to the toilet or something but I was so weary and just wanted to go home.

I had just relayed the above events to Mr Lily when I remembered I'd left my mobile phone in the car. Worried someone might break in and steal it, I went to retrieve it. There was a phone message timed 6.44 pm. From Care Link. Mum had gone outside, fallen and hit her head. An ambulance was on its way. (She had fallen over the step between her and her neighbour's drive.)

Mum now has a new shiner under her left eye to match the old one under the right. Also a bump on the left temple underneath a large section of red highlights in her white hair and numerous grazes in other places. She was obnoxious to me when I arrived in A&E but eventually mellowed. The doctor did not think she had broken any bones. He agreed that she was not safe to live alone and should be in care. She has been admitted to hospital and will be in for at least a few days, during which time I'm hoping we can finally arrange for her to get the support she needs.

hurtling

2009-09-10T08:43:00.003+01:00

Lovely daughter went round to mum's last night. No broken bones from the morning's fall judging by the speed with which she zimmered into the kitchen to get her tablets! Mum pressed the Care Link button twice while LD was there and they contacted the on call doctor. When the doctor rang back, LD said she thought there was nothing seriously amiss with mum's mobility and that she was getting pain relief for her hip but would call for help if things deteriorated.

They did. In a different way.

I was in the shower ten minutes ago when my mobile rang. It was the home carer to say that mum refused to take her medication, was very confused, said she hadn't seen her daughter for weeks, didn't seem to realise she was in her own home and wanted to call her solicitor. Otherwise she was ok, lol. I've just left a message for the social worker to phone me at work later this morning. I think its time to get mum into a home. Wish me luck.

plummeting

2009-09-09T19:50:00.005+01:00

More discussions with the social worker, we've altered the care package to 15 minutes breakfast, lunch and tea and 30 minutes at bedtime. I think the extra visit and the longer time to chat may settle her at night. Maybe. We're going to give it a week to see how it goes.

Mum phoned me at work at 5.20pm. She said she couldn't manage and couldn't walk. Before going over I phoned the social worker but no answer, then I phoned mum's GP who was very understanding but said I ought to get Social Services to move faster, clearly mum should be in a home. She told me she would hate it for 6 weeks but then settle down. Easy for her to say, but yes, I know she's right.

The Care Link warden was already at mum's. Apparently she's started phoning them again and she had to go out to her at 10.20pm last night. She also keeps unplugging the CL connection. Mum was pretty mean to me in front of the warden, especially when I relayed her doctor's advice, and was adamant I hadn't called round this morning but that was nothing to the diatribe after the warden left. Eventually I couldn't take it any more and also left. Mum was straight on the phone to CL who phoned me just as I arrived home. We've agreed they don't have to go out unless they think its an emergency, they know I appreciate their just talking to mum when she phones.

Mum has phoned me two or three times now, I've lost track of how many. She doesn't seem to remember I've been round tonight, she wants to see me to discuss something important. She's disappointed when I say I'll go tomorrow. Lovely daughter is going to call round tonight to check she takes her evening medication.

I have a pain under my left shoulder blade. I might take tomorrow off work.